Sunday Comix (Four Tiers of Dating)
2009-11-29 - 5:54 a.m.
Sidenote: the tips are based on the assumption that the reader is male, persuing female. If this is not the case, some of the tips may be irrelavant or even counter-productive.
TIER ONE
Sidenote: These are �first� dates, not pickup lines. They occur after you have been given a phone number, been pranked into it by a mutal friend, or checked the �poke me� option on myspace. Not only is there ample literature/discussion/documentary on the subject of Tier Zero, but I suck at it, so �the art of picking up chicks� wont appear here.
Tier One dates are simple social encounters using a five-part rubric score. Your mission is to find out if she wants to be playful with you. You may use any creative means you can come up with, but one part dork, one part romantic, and three parts playful is a good rule of thumb. You may substitute dork for stupid depending on what is available. If you absolutely must use awesome, use it very sparringly. Don�t overplan. And if you do, don�t be three parts crabby whiner when your plans don�t go 100% your way. If you think you have a good idea for a date, score it on the following rubric, then try to find something else that scores higher. Also, make sure you consider weather and seasonal conditions that might make certain activities more appropriate than others. Tier One should last for no more than four dates before attempting Tier Two, but remember that you can always go back to Tier One to farm some quick experience points or ideas for higher level dates.
Talkability (1 to 5) this is a complicated one, because it comes in two parts: your ability to hear/listen to her in the environment, and your ability to come up with things to talk about in the environment. Basically anything but movies or death metal concerts.
Alcohol Availablity (1 to 3) Sometime u just ned a cuple dernks to losten up. Bars, parties, the fridge.
Bending Frequency (1 to 3) activities that include bending at the waist. Billiards, bowling, berry picking, mountain climbing, beer pong.
Tip: A little dishonestly goes a long way, and honesty is much harder to come by. Don�t lie to her about ANYTHING if you anticipate EVER reaching Tier Three. And if you�re not sure about something or want to argue for the sake of arguing, don�t.
Tip: The only thing that is safe to assume, is that you are stupid and making too many assumptions. Get clarification of everything, in writing if possible. That way, if the date goes bad, you will have something to hand to your lawyer. Plus, every girl wants to think that they are uncharted territory, and acting surprised and considerate facillitates that.
Tip: Do not piss on buildings, traffic signs, cars, pedestrians, etc. in an attempt to mark your territory. This may lead to an irrational (though logically sound) fear that you intend to piss on her.
Tip: Keep gaseous expulsions to an absolute minimum. This may include choosing a place that serves food that you can both enjoy�once. If you absolutely must release a kingfrog earthquake, do NOT make up a lame line of dialogue that includes flatulence in the punchline. On a similar, more general line of tipage, it helps to have a reasonably clean appearance and smell.
Tip: Serriously, no one is impressed by your driving skills. Thus, it is highly unlikely that anyone would be impressed by your drunk driving skills. Since Tier One nearly always involves drinking, and there are probably only two people on the date, you should be able to figure out that someone should be driving home. Wear your seat belt in the cab.
Tier One Tip Summary: be honest, no assumptions, no territorial rituals, fundamental hygiene, don�t drive drunk, and give the impression that you are responsible.
TIER TWO
You may notice that as the tiers increase, the level of personal risk (or the potential for humiliation if you want to think about it that way) increases. Things wont always go your way. You will make mistakes. Learn from them, don�t dwell on them, and drive on. The great thing about Tier Two dates is that they can introduce new sources of experience into the relationship. You can, assuming its reasonable, do something that is not currently an intrest of either person, and in doing so, may develop an intrest for something new. Your mission in this tier is to compare yourself with her to yourself without her and come to the conclusion that you like yourself more with her than without her. If she draws the same conclusion about your presence making her more happy about herself, success has been achieved. After at least three successes, you may move on to Tier Three.
Active (1 to 4): something that you both enjoy or havent tried before, something that burns a fair number of calories. To score a 4 on this rubric, you need to be creative.
Partial Nudity (1 to 3): Any activity that involves less clothes than would normally be worn to a Tier One date. Swimming.
Other People ( -N ): for each person involved in the activity other than you and your date, subtract one from the rubric score. The handgun range is a great idea for a date, until you consider that the range instructor (who has a license in such things) will probably get more physical contact with your date than you will.
Closeness (1 to 3): Any activity that puts you just inside her comfort bubble. Dancing.
Tip: If there are going to be jellyfish present, bring a bottle of amonia. Once again, I must stress the importance of not pissing on things.
Tip: Get in shape, if you havent already, and don�t be all self-conscious. The important part is to have fun and learn something.
Tip: An activity which you know nothing about is not something you should cram for, like a college exam. You should either ask her for instruction if she knows more about it, or help her to learn about it before trying it, so that you are both on a similar level of understanding.
Tier Two Tip Summary: Come with an appropriate level of preparation.
TIER THREE
Here�s where it gets complicated. Within two months of the first Tier Two, she will start to feel insecure about herself if you haven�t introduced her to your friends. In the short term, you can combat her insecurities with gifts, but for the long term the only practical solution is to get her more involved with the other people in your life, and to get you more involved with the other people in hers. The combination of social networks will ideally build a sort of supportive system that will provide opportunities for corrective action, in the event you really fuck something up. Think of it like saving your game. By far, the hardest complication is in the types of relationships that are formed between yourself with the people in her network, and herself with the people in your network. You wont have control over a lot of what might happen, because of the number of people involved, but do not despair. The first thing to do, is for you to meet her family. That way, all the patience and politeness that you expressed in meeting them, will hopefully be recipricated when she meets your retarded mutant friends. Asside from initial meetings and holidays, Tier Three dates should be kept under six (three for her network three for yours) times per year, to avoid the possibility of your friends getting too friendly.
Survival (0 to 2): score this rubric 1 for each datee that survives.
TIER FOUR
These are the kind of dates you�ve been waiting for. Invite her over for a Game of Dungeons and Dragons and some cheezy puffs, and then she gets you back by making you watch the latest SAW movie. Its about doing things that the other person enjoys, and the retaliation backlash will continue until someone gets fed up with the whole dating process and proposes to do away with it. Three parts awesome, one part dork.
Revenge (1 to 3): score this rubric based on the unpleasantness of the last activity that she chose to do, 3 being most dreadfully unpleasant, 1 being quite agreeable.
Intrest (0 to 4): score this rubric (0 to 2) for you and (0 to 2) for you in terms of how much the activity is liked, and sum the results.
Competative or Cooperative (0 to 4): score this rubric (0 to 2) for you and (0 to 2) for you in terms of how much you are motivated to complete or win the activity, and sum the results.
Supportive: (1 to 5): Is the unintrested datee trying their best? Are you listening to each other? Is there playful contact involved, even if its not in the rules? Is it okay to let her win? Should they make this into an olympic sport? 1 point for each yes.
