'Trinity!' -Neo
2000-08-01 - 13:49:42
Narrator: This entry is dedicated to the Sirs.
Sir#1: I met someone today.
Sir#2: Really, what's his name?
Sir#1: Well firstoff, I dunno if the person is a he or a she, in fact, s/he may not be a person at all...
Sir#2: Oh, pardon my accusationary instincts...
Sir#1: No need good Sir, we all make mistakes.
Sir#2: Quite true. But what is his/her name?
Sir#1: S/He is the one named God.
Sir#2: You don't say. Well jollygood, that.
Sir#1: I do say. But they do not call him/her God.
Sir#2: S/He isn't?
Sir#1: 'Course not, numbnoggin. S/He has a first name, and a last name, and one in the middle, and nicknames and such...
Sir#2: How perplexing. What is his/her first name?
Sir#1: Why, I've already told you, his/her first name is God.
Sir#2: Well then, then what is his/her last name?
Sir#1: Why, his/her last name is God as well.
Sir#2: And the middle?
Sir#1: God as well.
Sir#2: How absurd. By what do his/her friends call him/her?
Sir#1: If they are calling him/her by his/her first name, they say Father. But if by his/her last, they call him/her Holy Ghost, and if by the middle, he/she is called Son.
Sir#2: Why the multitude of names?
Sir#1: S/He likes things to be complicated. You see, with all of his/her names, s/he is but one 'God', even though s/he may be called by many different names.
Sir#2: I see. Then Father and Son and Holy Ghost are just names, which have no meaning?
Sir#1: Nono. S/He is truly the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Ghost, just as you are truly Sir#2, and I am truly Sir#1.
Sir#2: Hmm, you said s/he likes his/her eggs complicated-side-up. S/He doesn't seem all that complicated to me.
Sir#1: Well, s/he tries. It is best not to tell Adolf that he is a bad artist, true?
Sir#2: Truthful you are, yet again. But if I see this 'God' in passing, how shall I hail him/her?
Sir#1: S/He prefers to be called Hey You in public, for s/he does not like to draw attention in crowded subways, late at night.
Narrator: A guy didn't go in to see a chiropractor one day. And the chiropractor didn't twist the guy's spine into a large heart-shape. But if he had, it would have been very romantic. And the guy would have had his head up his ass. Very romantic indeed.
Sir#1: Goodday Sir. And what is thou doing, on such a fine day as this?
Sir#2: Oh, na mucho, I'm just raising Cain.
Sir#1: Jollygood...But you must know, it is my duty to thwart your plans.
Sir#2: Damn...well have at it Sir, and good luck.
Sir#1: Thank you muchly Sir. I shall resurrect Able, and then they will have a fight to the death.
Sir#2: Why is it they must fight? Cain only gets resurrected once every few thousand years...
Sir#1: For such is the way of things, my dear Sir.
*later*
Cain: Ugg...
Sir#2: Mymy, you are dreadful. Come now, you have to go fight able.
*about the same time* (not later than the first later, but later than nothing)
Able: Yay! I'm soo alive again. Those bugs were like, yuck, eating me...
Sir#1: Yes they were. And you have to go kill Cain now, shoo.
Able: Oh but daddy, do I HAVE to?
Sir#1: Stop calling me daddy, don't whine like a girl, and go kick some Cain.
*later than later*
Sir#2: Okay, I have Cain, where's Able?
Sir#1: I dunno, he was right behind me, I'll go get him.
Sir#2: Alright, but try to get back soon, Cain's giving me the heebiegebbies...
*quite a bit later*
Sir#1: I found him frolicking in a field...
Able: I had a DREAM, daddy!
Sir#2: Yea, that's nice, now beat up Cain...
Cain: Ugg...
Able: *lets out a very annoying chalkboard-on-chalk scream*
Cain: *limps toward his brother with his one good leg* Ugg...
Able: *more chalkboard-on-chalk*
Sir#1: Jeesie-Chrise he's loud...
Sir#2: No kidding. Where did you raise Able, at an N'Sync concert?
Sir#1: Actually, yes...it was the only place I could find for a mass sacrifice on such a short notice...
Able: *still screaming*
Cain: Ugg...*hits Able with several dull 'thwump'ing sounds*
Sir#2: This is unbearable!
Able: *screachy-screachy*
Sir#1 and Sir#2: *beat Able to his second death*
Sir#1: And history repeats. Now Cain will go on, and have many zombie-like children, who will have much debate about the subject of Able's dream...
Narrator: Read Daylight and Nightmare this past week; G. K. Chesterton is/was a genius. May Chesterton bless god.
Trojan: Because kid happens.
Sir#1: I am beside myself today.
Sir#2: Whatever do you mean by that?
Sir#1: Just that. I am beside myself.
Sir#2: Ahh, but is myself beside me?
Sir#1: Well, I suppose so...
Sir#2: Then there is a discrepancy in your statement, because myself is a deaf self.
Sir#1: So?
Sir#2: In order to communicate with myself, I have to show myself what I'm writing, which implies that I am facing myself; and it would be rude of me to turn my back on me...
Sir#1: Oh, you've got it all wrong. I form a ninety-degree angle between me and myself, facing myself. Meanwhile, myself is facing back to read whatever it is I've written.
Sir#2: Where does that leave me to face?
Sir#1: It doesn't matter, because most of me can't see anyways.
Sir#2: Quite. *chuckle*
Narrator: Something confused me. There are 12 Days of Christmas, and in those 12 days, there is a total of 364 presents given. Why don't we just have a Day of Christmas each day, (excepting Christmas itself) and get only one present on each day? And then we'd always know how many days there were until Christmas...
I am no longer confused, for two reasons:
- Whatever would we do on leap years?
- The song for Christmas Days would be very annoying and hard to sing, "on the three-hundred-and-fifty-ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...a swan..."
Sir#1: I have discovered a new method of recycling.
Sir#2: You don't say...c'mon, out withit...
Sir#1: Well, I made a bumper-sticker that says "third-world country" onit. (And then I had to replace it with one that says "developing nation", because the UN thought that it sounded better like that.)
Sir#2: But how does that make you recycle, Sir?
Sir#1: Every time I go to throw something away, I read the sticker and remember that my trash is going to a large landfill labeled "Ethiopia", and that I shouldn't be so wasteful and inconsiderate.
Narrator's definitions of 'Slug': (1) A teenie-weenie-slimy beastie. ('waiter, there's a slug in my soup.') (2) To hit someone. (I saw Jill slug Jane.) (3) A shotgunn shell. (Jack arms the shotgunn with a .85 slug.) (4) A person or thing which resembles a slug in behavior. (Jill says Jane is a slug.) (5) To move slowly. (Jack slugs up the stairs.) (6) A phallic representation. (Jill sucks on Jack's slug.)
In science today: AI has been born. Or rather, it's now for sale. It is now possible to have an in-depth (maybe even personal) conversation with your computer. Don't worry, all this does is make information easier to find on the net, like having your own personal "Ask Jeeves", and it causes people to be more attached to their computers. These AIs are not going to start taking over factories with Johnny 5s, and will NEVER be able to grow humans in tubes for energy. However, it does raise an issue of "personality viruses" (i.e. VPMS: Virtual Pre-Menstrual Syndrome).
Fortune Teller: I see...a great deal of people upping the wattage on their CPUs to see if their computer can get high...
Sir#1: This could be bad.
Sir#2: Worse than the exploding monitor virus of '97?
Sir#1: Much worse. 'Mommy, the computer won't runn any of my programs!' 'Oh my, it must be that time of the month again...'
Sir#2: Ikes, and you thought people had problems with their computers allready...
Sir#1: I haven't even gotten to the bad parts yet...hot flashes, hiccups, shizophrenia...
Narrator's PS: Yea, I know Abel is spelled wrong. Word 97 thing, and I don't care to go through the effort to change it back.
