bending metal and falling leaves
2013-12-14 - 5:14 p.m.
thoughts::
blind: love, liberty, and mice in groups of three.
person: a mix of man, woman, and machine.
the question: two bee or tuna bee.
guilt: do you ever stop thinking to think that everything might be alright, if you could just stop hating yourself?
scheduling: time is easily committed to because you don't have to worry about whether or not it will commit back. It won�t.
trust: a healthy mixture of honesty, loyalty, and respect.
honesty: the tightrope between undeniable truth and undeniable love.
loyalty: a person's ability to sit and stare at a big red button, without pressing it.
respect: somewhere between honor, duty, and fear.
score: if you can keep track of it, you aren�t playing hard enough.
re-reading a skyped conversation from 7/23/2012. the first thing i notice, is my inability to listen. at the end of the conversation, we made a promise to each other to talk about this issue, in more depth and in person. i don't believe that ever happened. certainly not in more depth.
coming from ROTC, the only conversation styles i was used to were (a) agenda-driven questions/answers, (b) giving clear direction, and (c) guided learning w/ loaded questions. these are all high-efficiency low-input professional conversational styles, but they are not appropriate for all sorts of relationships. prior to ROTC, the only conversational style i was capable of was the double conversation juggle, which ends up being useless as a form of conversation because 60% of people aren't smart enough to do it, 80% of people have little-to-no practice at it because they didn't grow up with a horde of siblings, and 40% of people find it annoying and tedious to participate in. from my new job, and mostly due to mandatory lunch conversations, i've learned some new conversational styles that (although not terribly efficient) can be useful in more personal relationships: (d) receptive & interested, (e) supportive validation, and (f) supportive shutting-the-fuck-up. that last one is especially useful. this is by no means an exhaustive list of conversational styles. in particular, i have yet to learn (g) reserved interrogation, (h) large-group subject facilitation, (i) formal joke telling, (j) high-speed incomprehensive babbling, and who knows what else.
i was not in a relationship with her "because it was convenient", relationships, like death, are inconvenient by nature. i thought that we were in a relationship because we were attracted to each other and enjoyed being close. when we kissed, actual sparks would fly. it was worth the initial shock. i was never interested in being in an open sexual relationship, and she was. i could have saved us both a lot of time by simply asking you "what do you expect a romantic relationship to be?" or "how is a romantic relationship different than a close friendship?" but i doubt that either of us had the answer. it should have raised a large red flag to me when she told me she didn't feel like we were in a relationship, even when our naked bodies pressed together. this was the issue. she told me as much. but i thought that it was only a branch of the issue, so i dug deeper, looking for the root. mostly i looked for it in her head, because it didn't take very long to search for it in my own head. and when i didn't find the root, i became paranoid because i knew a root existed. but what i hadn't considered, was that it WAS the root cause, and not a symptom at all. it wasn't hiding at all. all i needed to do was address the lack of relationship feeling. i can't even blame her for not telling me what was wrong, because SHE DID tell me, i just assumed it had to be more complicated than that. i wasn't open to a simple answer, i wasn't listening. maybe I didn't was to admit that it was possible for her to be insecure. all i needed to do was to validate her feelings and make her feel special. instead, i spent my time trying to "fix" the situation by digging around in her head for something that didn't exist. i thought that she knew she was special, i thought that she knew she was the most beautiful woman on the planet (especially when she wasn't trying to be). a bonfire in a sea of candles. the things i thought didn't need to be said, because it was obvious that they were assumed, are exactly the things that i should have said; the venn diagram is a circle.
the timeframe matches up, and the personalities involved match the motives. at last, i have my answer for "why", but there's no comfort to be found in it. if i had reread this conversation a year ago, would i have understood? this implies that a person needs to be in a certain number of serious relationships to be successful in one. i have a strong feeling that no one has a good grasp on what that critical number is. i have an even stronger feeling that i'll never make it to that critical number. somewhere, high on a shelf, sits a two-dimensional knight that was. a dumbass.
Sir#1: *looking through a spoon with one eye in the direction of Sir#2* haha you're in jail, haha, locked away!
Sir#2: you're supposed to use a fork for that.
Sir#1: *looks at spoon, looks back at Sir#2* this is the BAD kind of jail.
Sir#2: whatever. you're looking through a spoon because they don't let you have forks in jail.
Metaphore Mike and Similie Sam, fell in love one day.
For years and days Mike passed the tests, that proved his love was true.
And for days and years and years and days, Sam approved of it, too.
The day Mike proposed to propose, Sam smiled like a crocodile.
"Mike, you're so sweet! But there's one last test, to prove love's rank and file!
If space and distance can't keep us apart, then we love with all our heart."
"For you my Sam, i will climb any mountain!" as he leaned in for a kiss.
Then Sam stabbed him in the leg, and ran off to join the circus.
activity::
15oct: finished every episode of "spaced".
21oct: finished every episode of "cupid" (ABC 1998 version).
20nov: i learned what a "selfie" is. evidently, it�s a photo one has taken of themself. it was just a matter of time before having half of your arm in a photo became a cool thing. this was the "word of the year" for 2013, after some tough competition from "twerking" and "binge-watching". thank god that oxford dictionary counted the votes twice. had they counted the votes three times, "twerking" would have won.
01dec: beat tomb raider on the xbox360. i was perturbed by the distinct lack of decisions, it being a strictly linear game that contains a scene in which the role-model character goes out of his way to convince you that the decisions you make are important to the survival of the group (this does prove, however, that you can trick th player into expecting something that you never plan to give them). i quit the game halfway through, because i was sick of bad guys popping up in places that were impossible for them to get to, because i came in on the only rope line, and the explosion behind me took out the entire town that rope was attached to. i quit the game halfway through, because i was sick of alternating between being a total kick-ass killbot, and running from flaming arrows and bullets that came through walls to hit me. i quit the game halfway through, because there wasn't any evidence of a food source to maintain two thousand guys in snow suits, and regardless of how many blatant clues you collect, Lara Croft makes comments (right up until she saves the princess) that she needs more clues and doesn't know what the hell is going on... which implies that she doesn�t know why she�s killing people left and right. the storyline is logical, but not believable.
02dec: took the day off of work to have a cooking accident, in which i lost a chunk of my middle finger. the worst part was wondering if i had become a cannibal after eating the meal i had been making. not yet, as it turns out.
03dec: got into an argument with my bosss' boss's boss�s bossy boss, about what i believe are basic human rights. human rights lost.
07dec: christmas party#1, I was asked at least 8 times why I didn�t have a girl hanging off my arm.
10dec: spent all night making a giant lightscythe and a giant EVA costume.
11dec: director of the christmas play decided not to use the props. and now everyone's wearing rubber masks against their will.
13dec: christmas party#2, gave Mary (jovial woman at work that likes to gamble) my drink vouchers and 10,000$ of fake money, and left.
13dec: got a new phone and have absolutely no idea how to use it.
references::
dance moves: fishtail, shake&bake, mooch, slow drag, snakehips, tic-toc
the origin of love actual lyrics: And some Indian god / Sewed the wound up into a hole, / Pulled it round to our belly / To remind us of the price we pay. / And Osiris and the gods of the Nile / Gathered up a big storm / To blow a hurricane / To scatter us away / In a flood of wind and rain / And a sea of tidal waves / To wash us all away
18jun2009: Passion Pit played at the Paradise Rock Club in Boston. This is significant, but I can't figure out why.
skill, juggling: these tasks build incrementally toward juggling proficiency. i'm posting it here in case this video ever goes down (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xye0tHas_s). this is an even slower break-down, with more steps.
- one ball in each hand, throw both up and catch in the original hand (can be done facing a wall), try to get the balls to go straight up, to the same height.
- draw imaginary box, throw one ball over to the other, aiming at the opposing corner, then reverse direction. objective: have the catching hand move as little as possible.
- with one ball in each hand, do the same as above but pass the second ball to the first hand, then reverse direction. objective: have the catching hand move as little as possible.
- throw, throw, catch with two balls, then reverse direction. objective: catch all the balls
- throw, throw, catch with three balls (one will stay in each hand), then reverse direction. objective: catch all the balls
- throw, thow, catch with three balls (one will stay in the hand), then reverse direction. objective: catch all the balls
- throw, throw, throw, drop. objective: work on timing of throws objective: catch all the balls
- throw, throw, throw, catch, then reverse direction. objective: cascade!
- good song to learn juggling to: mr. roboto on repeat
skill, jumprope: with one bisecting the rope, the other two ends should stop at your zyphoid process (not including hadles). Don't move your shoulders and don't double-hop.
- with both ends of the jumprope in one hand, without jumping, spin the rope around and listen to the noise. objective: find the rhythm.
- with one rope on each side, do the same thing. objective: don't let either rope get ahead of the other.
- with one end of one jump rope in each hand, start with the rope behind your feet and swing it over your head and jump. objective: find the rhythm.
- start with the rope in front, spin the rope to the back and jump. objective: find the rhythm.
- vary the speed. objective: stay with the rhythm.
- step forward/backward with one foot at a time. objective: stay with the rhythm.
skill, roller blading: don't die. still working on this one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dH1iv8Cz60E AND http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqsNjD0XgkY
- with skates in a slight v, try moving forwards and backwards by moving your lower legs toward or away from each other. do not bend at the ankles, the motion comes from the angle of the skates and the direction of the force (which is parallel to the floor). your outside upper leg and groin should get tired.
- learn to stop (drag stop or hockey stop)
- improve balance by squatting down and standing back up
- learn to push off
- learn to turn a corner by crossing the outside leg over (try walking it first)
- learn to corner by leaning
