Sunday Comix (The Consistency of Paste)
2013-10-15 - 1:47 a.m.
It's getting colder so I've resumed my efforts to practice cooking. Making food is challenging for me, because I do not think I�m very good at tasting: my taste buds are highly tolerant to sweet and sour chemicals, so something has to be sweet or sour to taste normal (milk always tastes rotten). The best theory that I�ve come up with so far (which is basically my way of making up for being culinarily tone deaf) is that texture is a larger factor on taste than chemicals, for the majority of the foods I eat (no curry or hot peppers, please!) so the size of components in a mixture (ground/minced/chopped/cut) and the overall gooeyness/stickyness of the mixture are of the utmost importance. You will also notice, that for many of these recipes, there is are instructions that reference �the consistency of paste� which should be followed to the letter. This is an attempt at an exhaustive collection of the things I can make; I plan to keep the list up-to-date as I learn to make new things. Each recipe will be followed by a five-star rating of how messy the food is to eat (1 = skittles, 5 = watermelon). If a food is frozen, cook at a lower temperature for longer time, not a higher temperature for shorter time. Never cook anything at a temperature below 100C degrees (most ovens won�t allow it anyway). To slice an onion properly, resist the urge to cut the ends off and then split it in half. Instead, cut off one end and make spoke-like cuts around the core, then cut off the second end (mostly this is just practice for bloomin� onions). Just as every person tells the �little red riding hood� story in their own subtle way, that lends insight to the person behind the story, so too, with the process of cooking. The recipes exist only to jog the memory of the muscles wherein the soul of the artist resides. A dollop/handful is about three dashes, a dash is about two sprinkles, and a sprinkle is about three pinches, but evenly spread about. I only use these measurements in cases where the quantities, ultimately, are seasoned to taste.
Tools (make the heart grow fonder)
Grinder: Also known as a granite/marble mortar and pestle, used to grind ingredients.
Mixer: A bowl/spoon or bowl/scraper combination used to mix or mash ingredients.
Chopper: A cutting object used to cut, chunk, dice, chop, or mince ingredients. Most choppers can also be used to skin and peel ingredients.
Nukerwave: A box with a door used to irradiate ingredients. Unless otherwise specified, use the temperature setting �maximum death� (this is the default for all nukerwaves made after 1980).
Crock pot: Slower, safer alternative to nukerwave. Less radiation, no built-in clock.
Frosting Gun: Put paste into plastic baggie, twist the open end closed to create pressure. Cut a small tip off the baggie (don�t lose the cut off plastic!) and squeeze until winning condition is achieved. reload as needed.
SEASONINGS (plus kick)
Seasoning #1: onion powder (4 teaspoons), garlic powder (2 teaspoons), paprika (3 teaspoons), chili powder (1 teaspoon), ground bacon bits (2 teaspoons), ground white sugar (1 teaspoon), ground sea salt (2 teaspoons).
SWEETS (eat with fingers)
Mudballs: Mix peanut butter and dark brown sugar until the consistency of paste is achieved. Roll into balls. **
Monkeybrains: Mix frozen strawberries and white sugar. Nukerwave mashed strawberries. Add sugar and re-heat until desired sweetness is achieved, but do not dry so much that the consistency of paste is reached. ***
Sour Apple Crisp:
ThereCanBeOnlyOne Cookies:
Dad�s Special Crisps: Skin and wash a mixture of sweet and russet potatoes and dry completely (water will react with the oil). Peel and thinly slice the potatoes (not wedges or batons or corksrews). Heat the oil to 200C, a lower temperature will take longer and result in crispier crisps. Put slices in the oil without splashing yourself, and alternate between potato types, so that only one type is in the fryer at one time. Remove crisps from oil onto a triple-layer of paper towels when they are done. Add either seasoning #1 (see below) or ground sea salt to a double-paper-baggie with slices while they are still hot. Shake while doing a token cheesy dance move. For best results, do a different dance move for each baggie. Serves one, no matter how much you make. ** (try: cooking once at lower temp and once at higher)
Doomed Eggs: hard-boil eggs (12 eggs and 3quarts of water in a pot. When water starts to simmer, cover and remove from heat for 17 minutes) then cut each egg in half lengthwise. Set whites aside and mix yellows with Cain�s mayonnaise, a dash each of onion powder, mustard powder, salt, and pepper. Blend to consistency of paste, use frosting gun to distribute into the egg whites. Sprinkle paparika or seasoning #1 on top.
CRUNCHINGS (eat with utensils)
Shirts And Skins: Cook small russet potatoes in the oven at 200C for 50 minutes (perforate with a fork while oven is pre-heating) then be cool and let cool. Cut potatoes in half and scoop out the innards. Fleshybits can be refrigerated and used with flour to add taste to deep-fried things later. Dip each skin into melted butter and place them scoop-side-down in the oven for another 5 minutes or until they start to crisp. Remove from oven and add shredded cheese, bits of Chinese Brand Sausage, bacon bits, seasoning#1, and/or some additional salt. Put the skins back in over for 5 minutes or until cheese melts, then remove and cool. Top each with a dollop of cream cheese or sour cream, as is your preference, and sprinkle some minced chives on top of that. **
Mashed Potatoes: Wash a handful of red potatoes and let dry completely. Puncture skins many times with fork, slather on some salt and oil, and wrap in tinfoil (this can also lead to baked potatoes and vegetables steamed at the same time but in separate tinfoil balls). Cook for 3 hours on high, then remove, and mash with butter, salt, and a ramen beef flavor packet. Serve with minced chives or caramelized onions on top. **
PB&J: strawberry preserves, creamy peanut butter, a slight bit of butter on the inside of two slice of wheat bread (toasted just enough so the bread is not mushy). Spread a thin layer of preserves on one slice, and use different utensil to spread a thin layer of peanut butter on the other slice. Then put the two slices together. ***
Cheese, Ham, Olive, Cheese, and Ham (CHOCH): two slices of individually wrapped American cheese, four slices of pre-sliced sandwich ham, yellow mustard, and one minced olive/pickle. On each slice of wheat bread, place one slice of cheese and two slices of ham, with the olive/pickle bits stuck to the inside of the top piece of bread. Swirl of mustard on the bottom half and put the two halves together. ***
Rice (nukerwave version): one cup white rice, splash of oil and two cups water in a casserole dish (or the stoneware of a crock pot, with a microwave-safe cover). Nukerwave for 10 minutes. Fluff and close lid, leave for 5 minutes. Cook off or add water as necessary. **
CarmelizedOnions:
Crackermuffin Pizzas:
ShreddedSalad:
AppleCrisp:
FriedTrout:
MagicalGrilledCheese:
MUNCHINGS (meals for two plus)
Salmon: Preheat to 350 degrees
BrusselSprouts
StirFry:
Haddock:
TunaNoodleCaserole:
Meatloaf:
Omelet:
Scallops-On-Shrooms (SOS):
