May Cause Death: another ambiguous warning sign
2003-09-27 - 6:21 p.m.
Daydreaming all the time, hallucinating whenever i have the spare time to blink. half-sleepy figments of people drunk, driving their blue bikes into the trees/water/muck off the side of the road, causing them to be in the road when i go with my jade, causing them to be less properly anatomically organized. the adults at elementary school and how mean they could have been, but weren�t.
Went to Larkfest with Mitch, Bellagsh, and Marwin. Live music and people talented in odd things, and old books stores and t-shirts and trinkets and lots of people walking. Got split up after the first 20 minutes, it took a very long time to order ameri-chinese, and Bellachge had already taken the bus home when we started looking for him. I thought Mitch�s car had been dented, but evidently that dent was there before. It was there the last time we�d gone somewhere and I�d though someone had smashed into him, and the time before that. Evidently I don�t have a good memory for dents. Picked up another SUNY kid and dropped �em off before roaming around Albany, speculating on how late I was going to be for work. We discussed my current career�it�s not that I don�t like my job, but it sucks. Realized at some point that I�d really forgotten how much fun one can have, while not at work�odd that I smile when I�m not at work only because I�m so rarely not in one of the two locations: school and work.
I quit. my job at the gas station is no longer, though I haven�t called this to the attention of the boss directly (just noted it in the logbook as a state-of-fact). I had asked for weekend work, and less hours, but last week I worked thirty-five hours and this week I�m scheduled for another thirty, with one of the weekends off. closing every other night of the weekday, even though I have to get to school at 10 in the morning. Which leaves no time for homework.
Headed down to Boston on Sunday. Drove right past the guard house at Mt Ida. I�ve been told they�d raised security, but Jedi mind tricks never cease to work on the ill-minded. Went straight to the library, and when I couldn�t find any good books, went to the admissions building (as it was all unlocked, with no security on the computers) and played around in the dark for a while. When I got bored, went down to Becky and Meghan�s new room for beers that I had brought, just in time for a fire alarm. It was at this point I realized what my college experience had all been about�wandering around looking for people amid a string of fire alarms. During the fire alarm, wrestled Chris, who has grown out of his mohawk. Spent the night cuddled up with Dyani and woke up to find that public safety had towed my car. Stopped by the IT department and got Jade back eventually, went for a ride in her with Meghan and Becky to FreshCity downtown. On the way back, bumped into another car while looking for the right amount of change at a toll booth. No damage done, the guy got back in his car. Still debating whether it was worth the trip.
I�ve been showing up for work, telling myself I�d only be there two more weeks, but the bottom line is that I�m still their bitch. Quit again, reaffirming my earlier decision that school is more important, and I can�t do both. Though I know I could do both, that it is possible. But if I want to have some fun during the year, if I want to spend time with people other than at work, I need time to do that. And if you don�t set aside time for yourself to have fun, you never will. For the record, this is the mistake that Father is currently working on fixing, and I cannot, of all the mistakes he�s made, think this is the one he would have most wanted me to skip.
��and of course, it�s all about havin� your chocolate for the day� �Marwin
There�s a freshman in the hallway before my calc class starts, talking with a girl. Trying to impress, trying to be smart, he suggests a hypothetical situation, in which he says �if I ever had a baby, and the doctors said it had like, a really high chance of being really disfigured or something, like down syndrome, I�d want the girl to have an abortion�� I�ve heard of using babies to gain girls (and girls to gain babies), but using a hypothetically dead baby for this purpose is beyond me. I wanted to walk up to her, and ask if I could have this discussion. And what would you say to the doctors if there wasn�t a severe chance of the baby being fuct up, what if it was very small? You still might end up with a fuct up baby, and would you cherish it then, would you love it as your own? A better line of argument, what if someone told you that they were not sure if your baby would be disfigured physically, but it sure as hell would be fuct up in the head. From you. Would you tell her to abort the baby then?
Worked on Saturday, supposed to be my last day, but I found out that after working an eight/nine hour shift without breaks, I feel better than if I had just spent that time sitting around my apartment, working on games or homework. This may be because I like the drive home, or becauseI like exercise, and only get it at work. But I think there�s something more to it.
Have you ever see a tree? I mean, really given look to a tree, tried to figure out how it moves so much with so little breeze�and eventually, you come to the assumption that the wind is only blowing it so much, and the rest of it�s movements must come from the tree itself.
Oh, the little white lies we tells ourselves. I can�t drive. Never really could. I�ve survive my little adventures from pointA to pointB almost purely by luck�and this, I think, is why Marwin doesn�t want to come over and play AD+D after school. Though it really may be that she just doesn�t Know of the hardcoreness with which we play, of the level of seriousness we have in maximizing our fun. Larping and DDR, *tsk-tsk-smile*.
Got contacts for the year, two boxes of one-monthers that will likely last twice that long. dad used to watch me put them in, when we lived in Pittsfield. He said he was amazed with the technology that allowed people to see, amazed that so many people, after being told by their doctor that it would work, would prod their eye with a piece of plastic until it stuck there. We have such faith in our doctors, in our professionals.
The geriatric revolution, the war of welfare�sure, the history books will deny it, but those who lived through it will never forget. The younger population loosing half of it�s check to support the older population, and no one�s making money �cept the nursing homes and the coroner. This animalistic dichotomy between the workers and the drones, the functionals and the non.
The definitions of a person. Passion is a quantification of the amount of things a person is involved in (where �things� suggests a job, school, a list of persons, etc.) and the rituals they prescribe themselves to. Where a �ritual� is a frequent routine, such as �lock the doors at night�, �make lists�, �take pills��all of the possible answers to the question �what do you do?� Passion may be equal to or greater than this value, the difference of which is classified as �unspent passion�. Motivation is a variable, which can be less than, equal to, or greater than the value of a person�s passion. If motivation is not great enough to complete the rituals and involvements of the person, the person crashes. Motivation is either directly related to or inseparable from the thing which we denote as intelligence, and unspent passion is the root of poetic inspiration.
Dream a little dream of me. The beginning of the dream was drowned out by the intensity of the ending, so I�ve quite forgot the setting or cultural system that I was in when it happened. Suffice to say I was a man, eating meat. Noted an oddness and uncookedness of a certain not-quite-round portion of what I was eating. Something about raw meat hiding secrets. I spat two chunks of meat into my hand (of a symbolic size that would have been farr too large to have both been in my mouth at the same time) . one was pork, obvious by the texture. The other was�and then I remembered something, something evil crawled in the doggie door. I ran to the hearth, got down on my knees as if praying toward Mecca. I let out a sound then, like a pig being slaughtered. But louder. inhuman. I figured out when I woke up that I must have somehow been tricked into eating my own son. at some point earlier in the dream I had heard that sound from a distance, and shivered. It might have been a plague, a witch, a jealousy. After a while of continued screaming my stomach muscles hurt and everything else faded into non-existence, and over my screams I heard someone whisper �he�s been like that for weeks�. The sound of loss. I�m not sure I survived the scream, I may have starved or bled internally, but at any rate, was dead to the world as soon as I started the calling. The tears were warm.
Ammendum: I saw a murder. Must have been three hundred, four hundred little black birds, each flying their own path together, against a sea of clouds. I saw the leaves go marching, one by one, hoorah. It�s getting cold, it�s getting that time of year again.
