Freedom: 1.67 a gallon
2003-05-27 - 6:20 p.m.
found out in an article today (an article about how the FBI has been granted some new �broad sweeping powers�) that we have won the war with Iraq. so although this is probably late, and we�ve probably already formed a government for them out of an old erector set, i present the following. it�s a list of reasons why we cannot share the mysterious freedom-stuff that our country is always talking about. i cannot take credit for this, i got it in an email from a devil alive. i only post it now because i couldn�t have said it better.
�freedom: excuses not to give it
- i don't have any freedom of my own, so how can i give it to you?
- your father wasn't free, so why should you think that you are worthy of freedom?
- you forgot to ask for freedom, when we were passing rations of it out last week.
- i'll give you the freedom to make a single choice: freedom or food?
- your country can't stand up on two legs without ours...freedom would destroy you.
- freedom is reserved for the people that have fought and killed to get it.
- freedom is ours, and we have a problem with sharing.
- part of freedom is freedom of trade with free countries, so if you don't trade with us, you don't have freedom.
- only the highest of my spiritual order can attain true freedom, freedom in the eyes of god.
right now, things are very tense, and i can't afford to have you give any less than 100% to (insert cause here).
- if i gave you freedom, you wouldn't use it to the detriment of your own country.
- freedom doesn't exist. don't tell the press, because the fcc will be pist.
- you don't do what i say, you can't have freedom.
- why don't you go through all the correct processes, and file all the right papers and apply for freedom...otherwise we can't keep track of who is free and who isn't.
- we'll have freedom as soon as we appoint a magistrate to regulate it.
- freedom is in all people, it's in you already...now do what i say.
- freedom is a myth...if you have freedom to talk to me at any time you want, i don't have freedom to make - you shut up! see? freedom is really an expression of who has the most force.
- you have freedom...i would just like to look at this article before it gets printed out...
- you don't live in my country.�
consider it enlightenment.
http://www.infoworld.com/article/03/03/14/HNarmey_1.html
http://www.cnn.com/2001/TECH/industry/09/26/bush.laws.idg/?related
i though i had made it clear in my last entry, but evidently i have not explained my metaphorical use for the crosses very thoroughly. the crosses in mind supposed to symbolize the completion of a task, or a transitional period in my life. the golden cross symbolized my completion and transition from MSSM, i envision it sitting on a grassy, windy hill, next to a fire tower that some little girl in the distance calls the castle of her dreams. the construction is basic and blockish, but the cross retains its awe with its sheer size. the markings read �ex pleribus alius�, just another one out of the many. the silver cross was supposed to represent my completion and transition from Mount Ida, but instead stands unfinished, intricately carved and half melted on the right arm, in a graveyard of unetched stones. i have failed my last course required for my major, and in a way, have failed out of college. i should be making the last class up (as it looks now, i�m going to have to wait until the fall) and then it�s just paperwork to finish building the cross, though it will never be quite the same as if i had built it right the first time.
May20. think i may have said this before, but Roommate#1 in Massachusetts was very concerned about deer smashing cars. said that they were dangerous critters, when in my mind, they�re one of the most peaceful and anticonfrontational creatures there is�assuming you don�t own a tan car that smells like a doe in heat. driving the Neon back to Houlton tonight, i was talking to Father, and we happened upon a moose. if you�ve never seen one at night�well, first, they�re very large critters, and this one was the largest either of us had ever seen. and at night they really are darker than the sky, don�t reflect a bit of light, not even from their eyes, miniature black hole beasts. the front hooves blocked out two spots of the white sideline, and the tip of its rack hovered over the midline or the road (without stretching its neck out, so the skull must have been almost four feet long) looking more like a misplaced amorphous bit of construction equipment than anything else. the great thing about moose though, is that i have yet to see one move. we zipped under the jawline with plenty of room to spare, and i turned on my hazard lights, but probably not before my whole car was swallowed in the dark shadow by the slight curve of the interstate. it�s just odd, that if he�s been a couple feet more to the left, i wouldn�t be posting this entry now�just odd that a couple feet can make the difference between death and forgetting that you had even been that close to it.
May21. called up all of the funeral homes in Troy, looking for a job for the summer and weekends. Incidentally, the phone line chose to be dead on this day, and we waited a day or so for the little dudes to fix it, and mailed out resumes and stuff. a functional day.
shaved from the waist up, looking for some sort of release, a feeling of freedom. i suppose this is what people think when they decide to cut themselves�that freedom is something that must be sought out and pinpointed. we cannot have the freedom to do something unless we have the choice to, but a person can only exersize a small portion of their actual choices�anyway, it didn�t work. but it�s a fun sort of thing to mention when you�re in line with someone, when you�ve already been waiting for a while to get some food from the buffet table, and the other person just can�t get away.
May22. woke up late and than woke up again, later. went down to central Maine to fix my car with Father (his electrician expertness was greatly appreciated) and Mitch. didn�t get it working by the time that Step-mother demanded Father go on a barbeque-graduation thing with her (she now has her doctorate in theology). the day might have gone faster if i had managed not to loose my Chilton�s Manual, but mostly it just ended with my car being a mess of tools and parts, with a bunch of lights that worked at one point in time. retreated back to Bangor at the Day�s Inn, where we were staying, and passed the time by going to the mall and movies (saw X2 by myself, thought it was pretty good) with Sister and Step-sister.
May23. woke up early, after a night of restless sleeping attempts on the floor, to ask Father what his plans were in regards to finishing the car, and getting it ready for inspection (i having already registered it and paid for six months of unused insurance). turns out he had no plans to do any such thing, and Stepmother was against me doing anything besides making useless conversation with old ladies during her graduation activities. i called Mitch to tell him i couldn�t do anything today (and thus, couldn�t get my car inspected, and thus, couldn�t bring him to NY for his medical appointment, and thus, couldn�t stay in NY for the summer and get a job, or talk to admissions at RPI, and thus, and thus�) curled up in the corner of the room, trying to stay as far away from the parental units as possible, and still, Mitch can hear them arguing about other things over the phone. For some reason, it just pist me off this time. The constant disagreements about petty things, fueled by hundreds more petty things, and always, you have to abide by the rules that make no sense to anyone, and didn�t take you into consideration when they were made, or enforced. I lay on my back in the next room, three tears, four, five�been a while since I cried, and it stings again. At some point while laying there, I made a decision to steal one of their cars and get away from it all. Made a decision to get my car on the road, so I�d never have to go back again. Made the decision to play by my own rules. Mitch had his sister�s wedding to go to that evening, so we had to make it fast, and we ended up making it just in time. He dropped the car off to be inspected, and I used the stolen car (Neon) to get him back home so he could leave. Drove to Mum�s and explained the situation to her, before following her back to Bangor to drop the car back off, and make things right again. Laura tells me that the parents very nearly called the cops and had me arrested. She�s pist because she�s now left alone to talk to Step-mother�s relatives and had been looking for me in the parkinglot for a while. Father tells me �given the same situation, I would�ve done the same thing, at your age, but shh, don�t tell [Step-mother].� I spend the night at Mum�s and we go in the morning to pick up my car. Mine. My ability to get away when I choose. I named her Jade, after this girl I know. Partly because she�s loud, with a tough personality. But also because she�ll purr at 100mph, and still just can�t get enough. Her red leather seats lean wayy back, with just the right amount of a romantic touch, as she pulls back the moon roof for extra head room, or to watch the stars zoom by.
May24. car at inspection, take 1. �needs emergency brake�. at the time, i was sure that the guy had been joking, or that it was 2002, and he had given me a sticker anyway. the emergency brake does work. so i drove the car around to learn the whole shifting thing (not having driven a standard before), and cleaned her up a bit inside.
Optimization. Mitch is in the next room optimizing the orientation of water molecules around a nanotube, and I�m sitting, as if trying to put my shoes on, about the optimization of sentient relationships. There seems a certain energy that results in the closeness of peoples, a certain distance at which two people will conflict, and then, closer, where they harmonize peacefully, but too close, and they exert a great amount of force and push away. Bonds are formed from a kind of there-and-not attraction, a series of hellos and goodbyes. There�s even different kinds of bonds, platonic bonds, in which something is shared, and romantic bonds, in which there is an exchange, a giving and receiving, a moving internal dynamic. The universe is fucking.
May25. drove over to Mitch�s in the dark, stalled once and not shifting correctly in general. chatted for a bitsie and then played King�s Corner all the wrong ways, so Mitch�s Mommy was not happy, but i was busting my side laughing. she drove jade on the way back, and i think it cheered her up, though she didn�t even get her into fifth gear.
Psychedelic dreams. �my nirvana children��says a lady, arms out in welcoming, all white and possibly nude, but not a kind of oo-la-la nude, and more of a natural/casual nude. follow with a sort of magic school bus trip going to different parts of an orange, with a large variation in colours (most of which not being orange) and the idea of totally different environments within a single fruit, combined with a feeling i can only describe as �stoner�s awe��
May26. car inspection, take 2. got there late in the early morning, and the guy just filled out the paperwork and said �here ya go� after i gave him the situation. then it was on to New York, driving until mid-New Hampshire and then handing the wheel over to Mitch. nice trip down, half-quiet. buying food with checks, because i spent my last two dollars on coke. Eating Ramen noodles and fried hot dogs, making phone calls to get things more planned than they have been in the past. i have the feeling this is only the first step of a much larger journey, as if this week has defined my character by testing some limits. this feeling is my definition of freedom, and it seems fleeting at best.
