Fate: god made me drop the ball.
2003-05-13 - 11:34 p.m.
May13. dropped my silver cross today, on top of the finish line. emailed the instructor for my business class just now, telling him that i had basically given up on the final project. it�s mathematically impossible for me to pass the class without it, and as it is required to get my degree. of course, my degree is basically required to get into another college. pissed at the world now, but more pissed at myself, and can�t seem to find any good music on my playlist. seems no one ever made a damn-straight-that�s-what-i-feel-like-good song about failure.
Rorschachian Song Analysis: Hum �stars�. woman in nightgown, sitting in wet grass on small slope just behind the corner of a white house (chipped paint in places) just out of sight. can feel the midnight texture of the grass on her feet. guy comes back to talk to her, puts his arm over her, but didn�t bring her a jacket. she�s not even counting stars, just wishing on them for another life. romantics might last long in a single relationship, but their survival may be put at jeopardy, because nothing comes between two people in love�neither poverty, nor fame, nor children, parents, disease, starvation, nor even pure and painful boredom of their lover will tear them apart. when barnacles attach to barnacles, they make beautiful coral reefs, and ships sink just to see them. when i visited mum on sunday, i realized how much alike we are. impgrins and vietcong eyes, and we stamp our feet and rotate our arms at the elbow back and forth 7 degrees from origin when we happen to be standing up and laugh at the same time. easily excited, they says.
May11. left campus, taking turns driving up the interstate. since it is soon to be mother�s day, stopped by mum�s house to get her some flowers, white roses for her and Mitch�s Mother (i actually used this as her name for a year+), but didn�t get anything for Step-mother, because. Mum gave me a little Beanie Baby (TM) owl and a good-feeling scratch ticket for graduation. won two bucks, which was promptly used for the purchasing of penny candies, which still only cost a penny, �round these parts. Mitch was not home because his surgery was switched to new york, and my car was stuck in the mud (Steve tried to get it out with a tractor and tore up the lawn�wish he hadn�t put out the effort, because it really is my car, and i just asked that i could keep it out back��sides, i�ve now got a plan to get it out, though it might take two). while at the exeter store, ran into two old acquaintances, both dropouts, Aaron is a kid I knew from college, who has a delayed impulse problem. Basically, he has a way of saying that he�s gonna do something, and never does it. his impulses seem to be more delayed when i ask him for the $50 i loaned to him, and less delayed when he says he want to smoke some weed. but he has the potential to turn his life around, as he tells me that he�s trying to get a job working for a funeral director in Newport. the second is a kid form elementary school named �Wille�. i smiled when i talked to him, because he is an aptly named character. i only have two memories of him: he always wore a green baseball cap over blonde greasy hair and smelled of gasoline in the spring and fall, kerosene in the winter, and that he was uncircumcised. damn bus rides.
May10. Project Packrat. got really drunk, scavenging with Joe and Dave for things that people have thrown out, but still work. example, CD player w/ headphones, a TV with a good tube but bad cable connection, a two-head-sized vat of animal crackers, chairs of all varieties. the best part of the night was that Goblin got to be in his element: a goblin raiding party, combined with insane laughter and a complete loss of posture. i get it from my grandfather, i think�he used to keep things forever. spent a while with Dyani in an nonpartisan partyroom, got to know her a little more (she �Tis a doll), and got her contact info because she�s one of the few people i want to keep in touch with (from here). others include Meghan, Becky, Dave, and possibly Zullay (Dyani�s girlfriend who has evidently had a crush on me for some time). some really deep thoughts passed by while i was most deeply trashed, and although somewhat depressing, i learned something else essential to the meaning of life, now forgotten because i couldn�t find a pen. handed out cloves freely, and gave people sodas until i had no money left, and down to two smokes�all the better for quitting.
May8. Running around only half-crazy doing finals, mostly because the times keep changing. First they say I can take it anytime after 1, and so I decide to go back and study some more, and then the instructor is in a meeting, so I end up taking it at four anyways, which makes it conflict with the passing-in of my math final, so I agree with myselves that the math instructor will not be too heartbroken to get the final project in the morning of the �morrow. This is the same sort of justification from inner voices that told me not to pass in my business-plan project until this week, though it was due last. Psyche final at 3pm next day, so I study in the traditional manner of all psyche majors, the day before the final: I pull the pole out of my ass so I can loosen up a little bit, drink with some friends, and refer their behaviour to the analysis of the DSMIV in my head, while taking into account that humanistic theories, although always bogus, are not always clearly bullshyte. Met a supercute* girl named Sarah, who I�ve wanted to talk to all year�for some reason, I get this strange attraction thing when I see her, probably has something do with the way she walks or that she has orange-red straightish-but-cut-short hair. We exchanged names and talked for a while, but not much else, and I asked her how old she was (20years) simply because she has a 14-16 year old way of talking, with little-kid comments at no extra charge. Kinda wish I had met her earlier in the year, but I live in the past too much as it is, and things probably wouldn�t have been any better. Later, there was drinking with Meghan and Becky, and me putting off saying goodbye, putting it off some more, and hoping that Becky can find some money so she can pay for the ferry back onto Long Island. She almost fell over tonight, while dancing in a chickenesque sort of way only Becky can do. Watched beer pong in some kid�s room until 5am, at which point I began to play drunk-chess with Jon G. Won the chess game, even after half-a-dozen dumb moves and a rook that I let him have.
May9, 6am (for psychological reference, it has only been May9 for nearly one hour). Back in Malloy, post-being-trashed-even-though-I promised-I-wouldn�t-drink-no-more-,-not-for-two-whole-years, finds me carrying half of a microfridge back to my room...I must state, firstoff, that I have been somewhat of a scavenger lately, collecting people�s busted-up shyte in the hopes that I will be able to repair it. *Gets a whole big taste of all the oil that had leaked out of the cooling engine in the broken fridge*...with a taste and nature that reminds me of my grandfather...
May7. applied, finally. Essay to follow in a Sunday Comix.
May3. Okay, here�s the thing. I just about died last night. Simply too much alcohol. Seeing double and unable to concentrate on one object, although I managed walking and even stairs pretty well. Retained m vocabulary to the end, but wasn�t able to speak understandably for a good long time before I passed out. Kept writing notes with one thing on my mind, �this will all make sense if I die tonight, and if I survive it won�t matter�. For some reason, wanted to talk to Ayako. I talked to Yume and Meyo, and Justin, just before I started to hurl. Self let me borrow his towel when I came out of the shower, and there were now forgotten comments about bits of nude Jason as I struggled to put some clothes on.
Related Dream: Becky, pantline down and getting lower while she sits on the bed. eventually exposes her whole pubis, but she�s got a dick there instead, and when we compare sizes, she has bigger balls than me. End dream. had she gone shot for shot with me, i woulda won, but she woulda survived, and that�s what matters in the end. (note: i did not die in this dream, making it the third of one of three, but if it had been longer than three seconds, death would likely have been eminent.)
May6. talking with Justin, Yume, Eriko (who i thought was named Meo) and Hiro (roommate#3) about passive and active friends�which friends will help you out in a fight no matter what, and which friends will stand around and say it�s none of their business that you got into a fight. white Americans may be more disposed to be passive friends�because they feel safe�no matter what happens, your friend will not die, so why get yourself hurt too? this mentality comes from the television, i�m sure. but (as far as Justin says) the Korean idea is not the same�not only could your friend die in a fight, but if you don�t go down with him, you no longer have a friend. it�s like that joke quote�a friend is a person who bails you out of jail. a true friend be right in there whitchyou, sayin� ��dude, she didn�t look like no undercover cop��
*supercute is different from cute in that one has a cute personality, but also has a perfect 5�3� to 5�5� height (and I would like to state my concurrent amendum to the definition of �cute�, in that it also requires a smile that can give a person whiplash, at a minimum distance of two meters or more).
