Life: explained.
2003-05-01(5/02) - 3:53a.m.
Sir#1: *reading...puts down book* i can't believe this. all these bullshyte writers talking about 'all-important the meaning of life' and 'the purpose of it all', as if they know what it is. makes me siC. like it's soo important anywyas...life happens, what more is there to talk about?
Sir#2: *sitting on the sill, looking out the window*
Sir#1: wel, what do you think about this, Sir?
Sir#2: i know.
Sir#1: *cough*...come again? you know what...the meaning of it all? *snicker*
Sir#2: don't be so quick to judge the answers of others when your own answers are insufficient.
Sir#1: *pcha!* so let's hear it, what's your version of the meaning of it all?
Sir#2: *looking out the window*
Sir#1: wel, aren't you gonna tell me?
Sir#2: it's nothing you can't figure out on your own.
Sir#1: suresure...but i won't know if i've come up with the same theory as you until i know what yours is, will i?
Sir#2: ...indeed. then bear with me for a second *resumes looking out the window*
Sir#1: *silently taps foot, thinking all the answers will soon be given to him, and rejected anyways, but at least he doesn't have to think about it anymore*
Sir#2: in order to understand something, it helps to understand its opposite. we define opposites by stating that one thing has a certain meaning, and another thing has a certain meaning, which is a locus of the meanings which are not encompassed in the first something. the moon, for example, is a celestial body of the night, while the sun is the celestial body of the daytime. one moves and the other does not. one is the aspect of female, the other male, and these sets of values are sometimes switched, depending on the culture of the myths behind them, but the fact remains the same, that they are universally considered opposites.
Sir#1: *nod*
Sir#2: so we must first consider the meaning of death, to better understand the meaning of life. as you will agree, all things must and do end, because change is constant.
Sir#1: *slownod*
Sir#2: if it is the meaning of death that all things grow, and one day fullfil their part in the time-space continuim as a living being...then it must be that the meaning of life is thus, all things which are, one day begin, and grow. put simply, existence is possible because change is possible.
Sir#1: ...but that's the same as my theory, that life and death happen, and why look for meaning in it?
Sir#2: no, it is quite different, because an apathetic life and death have no meaning...*sigh* when you understand death, think about it again, the difference between your theory and mine.
Sir#1: wel, thank you Mr. Horty-Torty Guru Man, Sir. if you don't mind, i'm gonna go play a video game.
Sir#2: *sitting on the sill, looking out the window*
�twenty days go by, every day looks, the same...la la la la, la, la la la...la la la la la...� -Eels, �my decent into madness�
April27. trying to stay up all night�7:00�forced to, to wake up in time for jury duty�7:15�lying down now, swirling into resisted sleep�definitely a biological issue, that i won�t show up�and by the time they catch up to me�i�ll be in a different state�hahaha�
April28. had a really short conversation in which Dyani said "I'm an asshole, you shouldn't like me..." so i went off and shaved my head, and decided for the twentieth time that I didn't. told everyone i just got bored of having hair, but there's something to the tradition of it, the marking of a change...and yes, i'm quite aware that i sometimes blow things out of proportion. Bill will point out, tomorrow, that i have a way of sticking to habits, particularly if they're not healthy.
April29. people have been buggin� me about what possessed me to shave my head, sample responses are as follows. �no, i didn�t have time to get the deamon�s name, sorry. formalities just weren�t the forerunning thoughts when he was eating his way into my head.� and: �i had this really big sneeze, and held tried to hold it all in�� and my personal favourite, mexican. �...i was duin', like, a magic trick, you knowman...and i was all tryin' to pull a rabit outta a hat-n'-shitman...and then, like, the rabit, it wasn't really a rabitman, he was more like a chingchilla. yah, a chingcilla!...with, like, big-n'-chiwowa eyeballsman, yea, big eyes-like-that, man!...so the chingchilla, he doesn't wantto come outta the hatman...so i decided to make it a disappearing act insteadman, to impress thems really hot chicksman...but, like, man, that didn't work eitherman...so i gives up, yo know? so then i, like, put the hat on my head and walk away all cool, yo know? man, next thing i know, like, my hair it just, disappeared, man...freeeking chingchillas, man.�
April30. had a final to get in today, business plan for a theoretical artificial intelligence company. it�s still not finished, as i write *this*. and thinking back on all the things i opted to do instead: smoking, working, visiting Meghan and Becky, i really have become a waste of time, as a person. and maybe this knowledge of myself is what�s kept me back from applying to RPI so far. Rolling admission and i�ve just been rolling along, watching time pass, agonizingly slowly, but not doing anything about it. went to Gillian�s for the first time tonight, and between the fallen remains of two beers, i prubly got half an illicit beer out of it all�and we didn�t stop at McDonald�s on the way back. but it was Dave�s birthday, so it was cool...but I couldn�t be with him to drink on his 21st birthday, because Josh woulda written me up for being underage and in the room. Then again, i got the back three seats of the van to myself, and jumped and tossed around quite a bit, so it was worth it...right? and then again, Bill was there, beating my ass at pool.
"when there's no sun, and there's no moon, and there's no stars- child, have you gone cra-zy...?" -Marcy Playground
may1. i remember may baskets / not how to make them / not even what they were / just a fuzzy picturesque thought / and the idea of tradition / reminds me that i also forgot / how to make jelly sandwiches / in a slotted toaster.
Tonight, the showdown was schedualed. it was on a drawbridge, one of many connections they calls the corpus colossum. Goblin stood on the left, Luther on the right. Goblin took the first step, smiling wide to show his teeth, as Luther took the time to finish his cigarette and flick it dramatically into the abyss. Luther walked with a brisk, steady sauntering step, reminding himself that the gun was loaded, that had cleaned the barrel yesterday, that it was with him. Goblin ambled sporadically, first rolling 5, then 8; 8, 7 to follow those. when they met in the middle, all the lights in Mynd dimmed. in the swamp, the leaves fluttered at half mast, in the town, the people froze. The whole of Mynd was wrapped in dust and dark, minus the two that stood for. eyes met. Goblin hissed, but only silence came, and Luther tried his damndest to strike his picturesque angled jaw. but neither had any power left to destroy the other, because they both had the same green-grey eyes, the same inky blood. a tear rolled out Luther�s left eye, and simultaneously another crawled down the wall of Goblin�s cheek, headfirst. they embraced then. apologized for endless wrongs. there should be no hatchets between brothers. and in that moment, i was able to accept *this* reality for my own.
we are here for one purpose and one purpose alone: to prove to ourselves that we are more than animated food. alien tofu.
3am May2, but still figuratively May1. everyone has an element. that which you derive your essence from, the baseline from which to find Answers. something that puts you in touch with reality, something to can commune with. peace, power. the last thing we think about before our souls return to that from which it was spawned. harmony. sense of self. i think mine is wet asphalt. very similar to concrete, �the symbol of mann��but ever so slightly more elastic.
Related Sidenote: told Don i�d work tomorrow morning, but he won�t get the chance to call me. tomorrow, i�ll wake up to a different day. i�ll wake up in time to get to work all by myself, because now i have purpose. wet asphalt.
