Temporary: the taste of cardboard gum.
2003-04-19 (4/26) - 3:48 p.m.
April17 take1. tonight, my birthday, passed up drinking/blowjob for teaching someone how to do their homework over the internet...things like this look good on your resume...then again, wtf.
A[pril17. first drunkl notes written directly to .txt format: it's my bithday, twenty. watched self (roomate #1 tonight, go all wack because people were just partyin' havin' a good time, and the RAs all busted it up, yo. he say "bullshit ain't nuffin'!" and he repeat it mantrastyle. and i'm back in the room, callin' Dyani likes she's the only girl in the world, so sorry that i didn't see her tonight becasue i was doin' someone else's homework, so sorry that I didn't see her the night before becasue i was at North Eastern, watching anime be copied to a hard drive. and she's so cute, and so loud, and out clubbin' 'til half-to-dawn...and i really wanna just hold her in my arms and be happy, especially because i know things don't work that way.)...graphics, i want to get into...hope m,itch isn't quite so blind next year (in case i haven't mentioned this yet, mitch is half-blind from an operation...vasclaritis in his eyeballs and they couldn't operate because of too much pressure, but when they did operate, it was all blood and no glory, because he ended up not seeing, and with a bitchload of homework stacking up...but he pulled through, because he's mitch, and mitch is strong, stronger than i.) drunk tonight, all rap and no white guys in sight, because there ain't no vanity mirror in this room, we all real. took some basketball instructions from Petey tongiht, a financial aid staff member on campus that plays ball after he gets off of work. learned a little how to dribble, a little how to shoot, and maybe after i practice a little, we'll play a real game. roommate#1 says i'm the only white guy he down with...only one he trusts...another compliment i hope i never forget.
April18-19. �drunk again, coordinated but realizing what i�ve done two seconds after having done it (making it hard to type). stood with Dyani in a mirror tonight, and told her we look stupid together, no reason for me to stop by her room, and so little time left in the year anyways. she said she really doesn�t care, and to call her at two in the morning, tonight�so i have until then to decide if i luv her er not. college, exemplified.� �Omni, four beers
�i�ve been thinking, over the last four-five hours...and it really doesn�t matter to me either, if we look dumb/weird together...so what if i have a stupid/silly face...i mean, that doesn�t mean that i can�t love you�but i am sorry though...i�m sorry it look me this long to figure that out...� �zhe plahn, just before 2:00
�by my calculations, i musta smoked about 5 cloves tonight...and just for future reference, smoking doesn�t help you deal with shit. spent the last hour wondering where Dyani is, after having told me to call her at 2:00. she hit me tonight with the idea that she�s bi�something that i had formerly figured out, then been told, and then re-figured out...but it was entirely different, hearing it from her. after a while of thinking, this didn�t matter to me either, doesn�t stand so directly in the way of us being together as i would have originally thought. but it�s late now, and she�s not around, and this damn-i-seem-to-have-gotten-stood-up-again-�least-that�s-what-it-looks-like thing does pose a threat...and logically, this is not going to work. �zhe plahn fails, 3am
Nemo waking up to the event horizon just before turning in to sleep for the night, "smoking with Augusta on the step...Dyani approaches and we comment on how she walks...three of us played beer pong in Bryon and Al�s room (Bryon evidently knew me, so i pretended to have seen him around) and watched �Jackass� until 4:45am...makes even less logical sense now, to hang out with this girl...just won�t work."
Nemo and Omni, they look out for each other...ego and superego...sober and drunk versions of the same [normally sentinent] being. Nemo excuses Omni from class with his great foresight, and gets things done so that Omni can have fun. Omni has all the fun that Nemo wishes he could have, but just...doesn�t; and feels good that at least someone out there, albeit the collective-moron type, can have fun...
Woke up this morning in the early afternoon, still swirling from alcohol, still falling from love. Two notes on the bedside desk read �next time you give someone a little piece of your heart, make sure to include a return address� and �fortunately the whole thing was blunted by alcohol, because otherwise I might have died internally from bleeding out�, respectfully.
(These followers were posted on April 26, 2003, Saturday.)
was picked on in high school because i told someone at some point that i didn't listen to music. i honestly didn't think everyone did, thought that it was more a hobby of some people, and those whom for it wasn't, did something other. but that common question confuzzled me so, until one day i sat with Nathan (K.) in his house, and we listened to a series of classical music...and we noted which ones caused spasmic reactions in me...not sure now, whether it was my idea or his, but it was something i was willing to do, to experiment for the sake of experimenting. found a certain range of tones that caused the reaction, which until then, was a big reason i had for not listening to music...conditioned myself out of it, with the reward of the possibility of 'fitting in'. this goes all the way back to elementary school, when i failed out of music class because i couldn't figure out how to get more than one tone out of the recorder. i might have been held back for failing music class, and might have been a forever-second-grader indefinitely, but the program was cut out of the curriculum.
Related Sidenote: for some reason, rewards are much more effective for conditioning when they're only possibilities.
the logic of the suicide. so easy is it, my dear Archibald, to generalize one's hate to the world, because one doesn't want to hate people individually. so easy is it, then, to realize that when one says they hate the world, they really hate the system. and from there, one is only a step away from "i dun't wanna play no more". i used to think that when the hole was fixed, i'd be all better, happy, and i wouldn't need you anymore. but now, feeling around the scar tissue, i see that i will never be fully healed. this hole has left me. bitter.
Sir#1: Sir, i have come up with a new use for conditioning�addiction reduction therapy. you take notes and i�ll try the therapy out.
Sir#2: *taking paper and pen* praytell do i venture a question of how it works?
Sir#1: here, i have a can of chips. In order to condition myself into not to overindulge in things, all i have to do is reward myself for limiting myself. that being said, i eat one chip. *crunchcrunch* and now, because i have limited myself to one chip, i get a reward�
Sir#2: but have we anything to reward you with, Sir?
Sir#1: why, *looks around* it seems we have nothing but chips.
Sir#2: then chips it will have to be. reward theyself, Sir!
Sir#1: *crunchcrunch* *pause* *crunchcrunch* mmm�*crunchcrunch*
Sir#2: what then Sir, when we run out of chips? if we were to not condition you for eating the last chip the survey would be askew from un-conditioning you because you haven�t received an award�
Sir#1: by all means then *crunchcrunch* we must find more chips! *crunchcrunch* must find more and more things to condition me *crunchcrunch* and with every new mode of conditioning *crunchcrunch* i will become less addicted to things, until I am the least addicted person in the world! *crunchcrunch*
Sir#2 indeed. wel, i suspose we shall see how it goes, in the name of science. : *looking at chips* �people can't get good deals on items because they can't buy them in bulk...but what if communities were to get together, and buy all the things they need�maybe even online?
Sir#1: *crunchcrunch**crunchcrunch**crunchcrunch*.
Sir#2: i suspose then, that transportation is the real issue. if they all lived in one house, or went to one location to eat the food, there wouldn�t be much of a problem�but to fuel a whole community with one food source�what if rats got to it, or if the very possession of the items drove the pricesh�
Sir#1: *crunchcrunchCRUNCHcrunchCRUNCHCRUNCH*! *runs out of chips* *crun-*
Sir#2: i don�t think this experiment was successful. why are you looking at me like that?
Sir#1: must have, more conditioning�more, MORE!
Sir#2: aahhh�! *runs away*
Sir#1: *picking up pen and paper* addiction reduction therapy a success. Sir#2 will never eat chips from a can again...
party done got busted up again, yo. sent the DJ home and everythin'. didn't refund people their money, that's what got me. fuckin'...to my knowledge, ain't been a party yet this year that wasn't busted up, soon as it started to get worth it. and they wasn't even doin' anything, closed the party up because a couple people didn't have their IDs on 'em. just a fuckin' shithole school, is all there is to it...and the popularity of the school is suffrin' fer it. can't think of one person now, off the top of my head that's commin' back next year, for sure (minus the kids in the four-year feneral service program because they failed a class or two in the two-year program). gave three chicks back their money, becuase the school wouldn't give it to 'em, and hopefully they found someplace better to be tonight. can't help but think, if the weather had been a little bit better, there woulda been a roit on the front porch.
