�At least we get a dignified cremation.� �Dead Kennedys
2002-06-13 - 11:36 a.m.
Tony says that it was the worst case of tissue gas that he�d ever seen. For those not in mortuary school, tissue gas is an expansion of a dead body due to the mass-production of bacteria as the body undergoes cellular decay. Blisters form just under the skin, filled with bacteria, interstitial bodily fluids, methane, blood, and lymph. Despite the suggestion of a general gooyness, the body actually gets rock-hard from unreleased pressure. In this particular case, the man�s eyes were so puffed up that blood was oozing out of the corners [from the pressure]. Put him on an air tray because the fluids were predicted to seep through the double-layered cardboard box (the family did�nt want to pay for a casket for the body to be cremated in). So, going down the highway with him in the back, I had forgotten to check my gauges. Code red. Waited almost ten minutes for the guys-with-the-gas to show up, and then had the ignorance to think that I could make it farther than the next town. Turned around in one of those �authorized vehicles only� connections between the North and South highway; stacking up the illegalities. Townies at the gas station made noises like they were gonna beat me up for dressing like a Mormon. Back on the highway, and going the wrong direction...can�t believe I still have my job at this point. My several-hour companion makes hissing and popping noises at me when I go around corners, but I blast an oldies station to shut it out. No escape from the smell, however, which nearly justifies my speed of ninety-five-in-a-sixty-five. Kept running scenarios through my head, wondering what I�d say if I got pulled over. �Sir, what�s in the box?� �Oh, just a dead body.� Oh jesus, the smell...And so, if at any other point after this in my career, someone asks me what the benefits of embalming are, I won�t go into the details of what happens when you embalm. I�ll go into the details of what happens when you don�t. People, have your loved ones embalmed. Especially if your �not sure� if you want to see them latter or not. And if your not going to have your lost loved one mostly-preserved, at least have the general decency to give them a box; any kind of box, so long as it�s made of something more than cardboard (not that it would have to be used for anything other than transportation). And if you are against embalming and boxes because you want to go cheap, maybe you can go even cheaper and drive the body to the crematory yourself, while you listen to aunt Flo�s skin pop from amassed bacterial fluids, in tune with the hissing as the methane hisses out through a crack in her leg.
Later that night: *vomiting* Maybe, when I said to Mitch *vomiting* that my job isn�t all that bad *blech* I should have factored the risk of contracting pathogens. Covered my floor in vomit before I was able to tell what was going on. Vomiting again every one-to-two hours afterward...I didn�t know that humans could expel food from their intestines, let alone project it. Full body contractions and it looks like my tongue is covered in blood. Surprise, Step-mother wants me to pay for the appointment with the doctor. Nothing left in my system, nothing going in that doesn�t come out in minutes, and slowly approaching dehydration. When I made it to the doctor, she told me that it was some sort of stomach flu...and couldn�t have been contracted from that McDonald�s microwave cheeseburger. Of course, I didn�t get around to telling her about my adventures the night before. And to think, that even if I was *this* sick, if I was a real funeral director, I�d still have to go to work...death is inconvenient, to everyone involved. One more of those general rules.
