Sunday Comix (Life's Little Destructions)
2001-09-25 - 11:18 a.m.
Yes, I realize I haven�t done Sunday Comix in a longlong time.
My Own List Of �Life�s Little Destructions� (The first 46 were written several+ years ago, and since have been badly overdone)
1. Mail people empty envelopes.
2. Kick people in their fattest end.
4. Hock lugies from heights.
5. Play with people�s heads while they�re sleeping.
6. Tell Pepsi (TM) machine owners that your change was eaten, even if it wasn�t.
7. Put Dixie cups in recycling bins labeled �cans�.
8. Swallow glue.
9. Argue with the pastor during the sermon.
10. Forge the president�s signature.
11. Eat five cups of granulated sugar daily.
12. �Decorate� public buildings.
13. Pretend to like the taste of bugs.
14. Become an accomplice.
15. Steal someone�s clothes while they�re in the shower.
16. Unplug alarm clocks.
17. Perfect the act of making strange noises at business meetings.
18. Get up in front of a group of people and tell them how bad your wedgie is.
19. Use markers on wild animals.
20. Pick, clip, scratch, or playfully toy with parts of your body in public.
20. Shove people.
21. Repeatedly tell someone that you have something to say, and then that you don�t remember what it was.
22. Make up a language and insist on speaking it all day.
23. Play around with the thermostat.
3. Flush things down the toilet that aren�t supposed to be flushed.
24. Purposely step in something and trail it inside.
25. Chuck food over your shoulder when you�re done with it.
26. Pick up everything on a buffet table and then put it back, indecisively.
27. Spin, pretend to be dizzy, and bump into someone.
28. Place numbers out of sequence.
29. Put a wrong ingredient into a food you�re not eating.
30. Eat a lot of baked beans before a public event.
31. Go crazy with plastic-wrap.
32. Enter �Emergency Exit� doors or windows.
33. Get hold of a sedative and shave someone�s head.
34. Hide all of the hotel�s soap, shampoo, and toilet paper, and then make your relatives pay you for it.
35. Stuff someone�s gym socks into their mouth to encourage cleanliness.
36. Pull someone out of their resting place and move them a mile away to leave them.
37. While camping, hose the neighboring tents.
38. Give a sleeping person a free make-over.
39. Call someone �Big Mama� all day.
40. Make your own line.
41. Make yourself noticeable.
42. Dial up a local service station and ask if Diane is there. Repeat.
43. Repeatedly say the same things, over and over and over.
44. Mail Playboys (TM) to the church as charity.
45. Talk in a high-pitched or robotic voice all day.
46. Be yourself.
Recently, I�ve added a few others:
47. Chase cars.
48. Listen to that little voice in your head.
49. Climb apartment buildings in the rain.
50. Paint toilet paper rolls red, and strap them to your chest like dynamite.
51. Walk outside wearing nothing but a toilet paper roll (Toilet Paper Man?).
52. Play horseshoes with objects other than horseshoes.
53. Using a glove, try to open the doors of every car in a parking lot, setting off all the alarms. (If they aren�t alarmed, sit in one until the owner comes back.)
54. Brush your teeth with a toothbrush. Any toothbrush other than your own.
55. Insist that you are the reincarnation of someone who�s still alive.
56. Create a one-dollar credit card account, and give the number to everyone you know under the age of 18.
57. Rewire all the lights in your house so that the down position turns the light on.
58. Relocate door hinges to the side of the door with the knob.
59. Make yourself into a human Easter egg with food colouring.
60. Write a polite letter to Public Inquiries / Social Security Administration / 6501 Security Blvd. / Baltimore, MD 20235 (or your local �find lost persons� service) and tell them that you�ve lost yourself (or that your name is Mary, and you�ve lost you�re lamb, etc.).
62. Walk into a restaurant, allow the waitress to seat you, and then leave (taking free toothpicks on the way out).
63. Get several friends to detour all of the exists of a rotary at once.
64. Apply yourself to store windows, claiming to be the next evolutionary step from those little Garfield dolls people put in the rear window.
65. While waiting for the light to turn green or the elevator to go up, get everyone�s attention and say �I suppose you�ll all wondering why I called you here today...�
66. Tool around in shopping carts in the crack-ass-dawn of morning.
67. Tilt your head for a day.
68. Stick things to your forehead (i.e. playing cards, coins, plunger heads...)
69. Make puppets out of people�s underwear and/or socks and/or bras.
70. Skip right to the hard questions.
