3 ways to enlarge your shrink
2001-07-11 - 8:46 p.m.
Step-mother and I went to the shrink today. We left twenty minutes late, but got there on time. Er rather, she got to the shrink on time...Sarah and I are the only persons in this house who have not (at any time) been regularly visiting a psychologist. And sometimes it makes me wonder just what it was that saved our little heads from The Darkness (TM). I acquired some books while she was having her brain rewired: �American Gods� by Neil Gaiman, �Steal This Computer Book II� by Mr. Wang, and a compilation of �Frog and Toad� stories.
�There are many fish in the sea, but all of your socks have a hole in �em, and you can never find the right screwdriver...� �Nemo
I didn�t mean anything by it...I was just making conversation. And the conversation suddenly tended toward and gracefully tripped over the fact that she�s a devious bitch. Or...was that just me?
Post Sanctum: the above statement really doesn�t apply to any one person in particular. I just thought it was humorous [to a fault].
Monopoly (TM): the Gettysburg/Civil War Edition. I can�t wait.
The fridge knows. About the buggs. There�s a bugg In my ass. Meaning not so much that it crawled in there, but more that it Is a bugg. And this bugg is looking for another bugg-In-an-ass, so they cam live the happy-ever-after life of two happy non-living ass-buggs. More proof that the ass is the centre of the human soul. Went into a deep sleep, past the lever. So I had to step out of the rollercoaster and push it back up to the lever, so that I could engage in real sleep. In non-dream language, this means that I had to wake up from a superdeep sleep so that I could sleep normally. Tried to move, but I�d forgotten how, and I would have laughed at myself, but I had forgotten how to do that too. Superheavy limbs. Think I made some grunting sounds. But I eventually stood up; struggled to force open my eyes...and fell backwards onto the bed again. I think. This is how sleep is �fought�. And then I drifted off, wondering what I�d be like if I took insulin and didn�t need it. This is the really good shyt, mann. Maybe the olives would help me find a substitute...
From the non-existant Trials and Tribulations of a Toronto Taxi Driver, �I feel so guilty, stopping at the light. I regauged the tire size on my cab so that it would show less mileage, and I can sell it for more later. But this has the unfortunate side-effect of charging my customers less for their trip. I suppose I could have gauged the tire size the other way, and gotten more money from them, but that just seemed dishonest. So instead, I placed and �out of order� sign on the meter, and charge by the minute. Every time I stop at a light, I feel guilty. I know that the passenger isn�t getting where they need to, but they�re still paying me a quarter for the average stop at a traffic light. Maybe Mom was right...I should have just kept my first job as the ice-cream-truck man.�
Sir#1: What time ya got?
Sir#2: Why, it�s exactly 10 �til, dear Sir.
Sir#1: Ten �til what time?
Sir#2: Oh dear. I haven�t the foggiest...you see, I don�t have a watch.
Sir#1: Well, a fine lot of good that does me.
Sir#2: If you are accustomed to needing to know the time, why does it not logically follow (in your bulbous little head) that you should get a watch of your own?
Sir#1: I detest the idea of strapping a belt on my wrist just as much as I detest the idea of drapping a noose �round my neck, Sir.
Sir#2: But, why need you the time in the first of places? Surely, today is a day like any other...the sun rises, the sun sets. Is that not sufficient?
Sir#1: But some of us have a schedule to adhere to.
Sir#2: You mean, some of us are owned by schedules�
Sir#1: If you must know, I am testing the Lay�s Chip Theory (TM).
Sir#2: I�m sure you�ll do me the pleasure of indulging me in this new insanity.
Sir#1: Thet I will, dear Sir. You see, it has come to scientists of this age to experiment in different foods to discover which ones can best be used to fight off the aftereffects of post-turkey slumber. And they ssays that when you�re tired, you should administer yerselves to a five-minute Lay�s Chip break. Instant awakeness.
Sir#2: And did these scientists at the Lay�s corporation forget to mention that the activity from a five-minute break can stimulate your body into a natural state of awakeness?
Sir#1: *looking at the back of the bag, munching happily away* Nope. I guess they forgot to mention that.
Sir#2: Did they forget to mention, furthermore, that fatty foods (in general) have a tendency to make a person more sleepy?
Sir#1: Are you suggesting that they telled me an untruth? *hhmph* wel, all is not lost...I bet you can�t eat just one.
Sir#2: What�s this? Two theories for the price of one chip bag? Sounds like a Communist (TM) plot to me.
In other news: I have 20 days to come up with $2,500 so that I can pay for college. My stratagy for payment consists of lots of sugar, meditation, and a crobar.
