no more needles
2001-07-09 - 5:43 p.m.
*listening to Beethoven, �F�relise�* Because some songs just Need to be blasted.
It came as a surprise to me that I *still* pace. Caged-animal style. I think I woulda grown out of it by now, being a college kid an� all. Torture. I haven�t left the upstairs all day, not even to get foodstuffs. Just jackin� around on the internet to waste time that I really can�t spare. Then I sent e-mails to everyone. Everyone. So if�n you didn�t get an e-mail, you must not be a member of the aforementioned group.
A couple entries ago, I made some comment about �my generation� being downtrodden by the baby boomers, and the oppression� blah-blah-blah. But I�m realizing now that my generation (or any generation, for that matter) cannot be represented simply by a beginning and ending year of birth. When I use the word �generation�, I�m using it to define a collective grouping of similar mindsets...the reason for their similar mindsets is, of course, deeply influenced by the technology and events of the particular time period...but it cannot be said that all people of a certain age are a generation, or that that time period fostered only one type of generation. In future entries, I will refer to my own particular generation by the name �the Jumblies�, because it stands for the poetry-oriented (and also the lack of orientation of the persons in question). These are the people who didn�t start anything. We simply picked up where the previous generations left off, from the bits and pieces of every revolution we could get our hands on. One of the Jumblies would not be abashed to follow the ideals of a goth (tm) one year, and follow it up with a much more hippie (tm) lifestyle the next. Neo-nazis, neo-communists, neo-anarchists; and in my case, neo-behaviourists. Evidently, we didn�t want to Do everything, so much as Be everything...But the most noticeable feature of what I define as my own generation can be seen in their home lives...middle class children from slightly dysfunctional families that take pride in their ability to stack hand-washed dishes in a plastic dish rack. And that, really, says it all.
Heaven is an individual�s search for community. To find a commune that fitts their own personal standards and social behaviors, and to participate in fulfilling their role in the commune so that it will be the heaven of one more person. Recursion is everywhere.
I look absolutely nothing like I did yesterday. But fortunately for me, I looked undisputedly like shyt on both days, so at least my change is consistent...There are thorns in my halo. And I�m thinking that this must have happened because I cut my hair. No red horns, so I had to get thistly little golden hairs to make up for it. Sometimes I wish my body would just stopp, and choose a colour.
In Utopia, they says there is never a doctor in the house. No one is given medical attention beyond first aid. There are no double-bypass surgeries to replace human hearts with those of pigs/gorillas/chipmunks. There are no defibrillators, cat scans, dentist�s chairs or birthing tables. You will not find allergists or holistic energy drinks; nor will you find laser surgeons. Everyone accepts the idea that not all babies are meant to live, and even if they were born with some sort of defect, it was meant to be there. That�s just how the cookie crumbles, and they realize that a better cookie cannot be �created� by gluing crumbled bits of cookie back together. A man goes into a hospital because he is drunk. Very, very drunk. The ambulance kidnaps him from the street and pump his stomach; give him a checkup out without his consent (he�s still unconscious). They proceed to administer drugs because they are �decently sure� that he is in need of them. Remove his liver because it has a noticeable hole in it. And there�s a bullethole in his shoulder, so they give him a new one of those, too. Before he even wakes up, he is no longer the man that he was before. He has been replaced with a healthy, scarred version of another human being (whom has a very high hospital bill to pay off). At what point do we draw the line? How much of a person can we replace before they are no longer themselves? We have somehow gotten the idea of a double standard for drugs...that there are good druggs and bad druggs. Neither of which really exist...like anything else, they just have to be administered in a non-harmful manner. Druggs just are. And right now, there is a child whose parents live in my former hometown of Pittsfield, named Breanna. She was born born with her liver on the outside of her body and has spent her first year of life in a critical care unit. But because of today�s technology, it has become socially acceptable to keep that child alive, whatever the cost. So farr, her parents have a couple-million dollar debt to pay to the hospital (insurance is picking up a lot of it), for a child that may never live outside of her glass bubble. To me, this is a severe injustice...to the child, because she�s missed the primary development stages of her life. An injustice to the parents, because of the unnecessary expense. But most of all, it�s an injustice to the person that has to step aside to make room for this kid�s slot in college; for the invaluable teacher that wastes their whole life to provide special needs to Breanna. Due to equal opportunity bullshyt, this disabled child will be able to walk all over the rest of humanity to accomplish what her parent�s tell her is a �normal� life. Yes, Darwinism still exists in the human species...but it is the meek that have inherited the earth.
I believe in the bible as a source of entertainment and common-sense morals (there are, of course, some morals within the bible that make no sense whatsoever). But we�ve long since lost tract of whatever it was that this Jesus fella was trying to tell us. And even if we hadn�t abstracted and mishandled the ideas of the bible, technology would have still overtaken this collection of stories. The real problem is that we don�t have anyone to tell us what to do. No one to tell us exactly what God thinks about genetic engineering and radiation treatments; what about civil unions and abortion issues? And the reason why no one is telling us what to do is because everyone is too damn indecisive. People can�t allow themselves to say anything with any definity, without saying that everything they say is �from a certain point of view�, and �depends on a lot of different factors�. Unable to make any but the most basic decisions by themselves. The painting must be a blank gray canvas, because we refuse to see the contrast...without contrast, there is no extreme, without the extreme, nothing seems provocative. As if a heart monitor took all the ups and downs and averaged them to one long line. Dead. Humdrum. Interchangeable.
I hear that it�s raining Islamic prostitutes in California...China�s way of getting back at us for that airplane thing? :)
Post Sanctum: I really don�t have the Answers. I�m making this up as I go. And if you look closely enough, you�ll notice that all of the Answers I do seem to have are really Questions in themselves.
