bedtime story for luce, pars secunda
2001-01-07 - 23:23:34
When last we heard of Dumbass, he was in search of Alexandria in the farr south of Youtook. After he had visited her in the south, they both realized they were not truly for each other. (In short, she had found someone else, a Duke in Youtook.) Dumbass had been outranked and overrankled, but he did his best to understand the situation, and agreed to be friends with Alexandria. For a couple weeks afterward, Dumbass was still confused. He had buried himself in a inner realm of flirting and smoking, just to be buried. He stood for a long time on a little dam in the park, and considered falling, just for something to do with himself. It was about then that an angel visited him, and made him *smile*. He saw her at a concert a short while later. The angel, named Brandywine, seemed Perfect, but Dumbass kept concerning himself with the infamous questionmark...not knowing if he would be fatally wounded by this relationship or not. If it was stimulation he was looking for, it�s what Brandywine gave him. They communicated on several levels at once, by saying things as simple as �so buttons�. The way he felt about her, or while he was with her...it had to be heaven. At least, it was heaven until Thursday. A pigeon (working in the United Pigeon Service, or UPS) approached Dumbass, and gave him a message. Dumbass removed the message, written by his love, but soon found it was not all rosepetals and chocolatecake. The message was vaguely disturbing. What was more disturbing is that he would have to wait several days to find out what it really meant. After reading it, Dumbass started to go bonkers, paranoid as a cat in a dog kennel, doped up on Ritalin. He smoked through a half-pack of self-rolled cloves before he ran out, and had to resort to smoking grass rolled in notebook paper. But that tasted awful, so he took a long shower. The water got cold, so he did pushups until he passed out. When he woke up, he had come to his senses somewhat, but the horrors kept him in a depressed mode. He considered throwing rocks into the grass on the side of the road, and making funni sounds when they fell...but that only made him think other depressing thoughts. Now, it must be explained that Dumbass had very few sources for advice/comforting about his problems. He usually refused to ask for help, even in Calculus, because he preferred to figure things out on his own. So he went to the only source of advice he knew of, a fellow adventurer and spellcaster, Luckyman. Luckyman, who, oddly enough, was very obviously not a man. (In fact, this was her secondary reason for belonging to the Association of Odd Fellows (the tertiary reason being that she had very intriguing spiral staircase up to the top of the tower, which Dumbass always found...rather intriguing.).) It should also be explained that Luckymann was a very tedious astronomer-type mage, rarely emerging from her tower on 32nd Street. Knowing that Luckyman was usually busy with this, that, or the drama, he left her a little post-it note on the door of her tower and waited for a response at his mother�s house. Dumbass�s mother, Squat-and-go, should be explained further, but it is suffice to say that she was a couple eggs short of a carton; a couple egg-baskets short of the eggs she could put them in; and a couple kids short of being able to live off of child support. Luckyman received Dumbass�s note, and they proceeded to make plans to see each other. Alas, just as they had finished their plans, a small snow storm emerged, and neither could Dumbass get to Luckyman nor Luckyman get to Dumbass. So the days passed uneventfully, until Sunday rolled around. At this point, Dumbass had known there was something wrong for a week, and had read the e-mail upwards of 62 times since it�s arrival three days earlier. On this day so hallooed by the �Lord�, Dumbass made a trek back to the knight�s training facility. On his way, he was assaulted by a small snowbank, and had to pull his horse free. While in the snowbank, he was approached by another pigeon, this one bearing the final news: that his relationship with Brandywine was over. Newly heartbroken, but nicely stunned, he arrived at the facility where another knight was waiting for him. It was the splendorous knight, the one showered with gold armour and eloquent song. This knight introduced himself as Double-O-Eight. Evidently, this most magnificent of knights had lost his squiregirl, and had (consequently) found himself sort of lost as well. Dumbass and Double-O-Eight conversed for a long time, eventually coming to the conclusion that there existed such things called �life goals� and that not all of life should be spend sitting in a gutter with a joint and a bottle of brandy. They remembered that they had quests, and had to rediscover them. Dumbass had once thought that Alexandria was the answer to his quest, but he realized now that it was just something he had convinced himself of. He promised himself never to convince himself that something was true unless he firmly knew it to be true in the first place, in which case he really wouldn�t need to convince himself of anything. Dumbass listened to the problems of the other knight, and then told Double-O-Eight his own troubles. But all that Dumbass could really still hold in perspective was that he still loved her...
The next day, Double-O-Eight and the squiregirl got back together...
I am such a Dumbass.
