Sunday Comix (Journal Entry the Eleventh)
2000-09-26 - 22:10:15
Thoughts:
All I ever needed to know I learned inutero:
- There's a smooth, warm place behind every dark could.
- Mountain Dew kills.
- It�s very easy to get lost, even when you�re only traveling a couple inches.
- If you have an extra tail, don't spend your time spinning in circles.
- Pure comfort is being tube-fed and curled up in a sack of liquids.
- If you kick enough, people will rub your head.
- Liquor kills.
- When you see a bright light as the end of the tunnel, go head-first.
- People enjoy knowing what sex you are, display it openly.
- Never, ever, shake yourself.
Philosophy if Aminal Sounds
It all started when a collogue of mine, (Jessica Brown) and I were discussing the vocalization patterns of aminals. We were wondering how it came to be that all aminals of the same species make similar noises, and yet the noises are given different names in different homanin societies. Studies of aminal sounds were first done by Dr Adam G and Dr Eve G. They made a cross-cultural examination of aminal sounds, and concluded that all coowies make coowie noises, doogies make doogie noises, and sheepies, well...you get the idea. At the time of their study, they were working under Almighty Lord Living Above Haggis-eaters (or ALLAH for short). Doogies, for example, make only one sound, which we call "woof", or "bark", or even "bow-wow". So why is it that we have various names for the same sound? To answer that question, first we must answer the more fundamental question of why the aminals make the noises they make.
Our conclusion to this question was that the noises that an organism produces are dependent upon the factors of genetics. Doogies, because they are doogies, make a doogie sound. This is due to the unique shape and size of the oral and thorasic cavities of the species. The typical doogie sound resembles an "oof". Specific types of doogies may make slight variants of the traditional doogie noise, because of the genes involved in the particular doogie. For example, some types of doogies have larger mouthyflaps than other doogies. These doogies make a discernibly lower-pitched sound, more of a "woof" than the common "oof" sound. However, small doogies, which do not have large mouthyflaps, make a more "eef" sound. In contrast, very pudgy doogies make more of a "moof" sound, because they have to struggle to get the air past their fat lips. Particularly obese dogs make a "boof" sound when provoked, for this same reason.
Coowies follow this same pattern, which one exception. The basic cow noise is "ooo", and there seems to be no distinct sound made if a cow is small of scrawny. The sound of a coowie very closely resembles that of a doogie, but coowies seem unable to make a "ph" sound. Larger cows make a "mooo" sound, because of their mouthflaps, and very large cows say "booo". The later are very rare, however, and only found in cases of coowies that are twice or three times the normal size. Just like aminals, homanins have developed several different variations for this discomfort sound. Like doogies, homanins usually add a "w" or "b" to the beginning of a word if they have mouthflaps that hinder their linguisticity.
We should also compare the noise that doogies make to the more complex noises that homanins make, because homanins are capable of many forms of noise. Homanins very rarely make the doogie noise, unless they are uncomfortable and/or disgruntled. Some factors which may cause this disgruntlization among homanins are the following: waking up early in the morning, hearing a bad joke, falling on their face when intoxicated, or realizing that the in-laws are coming to visit. Obviously, this sound is not associated with a very good stimulus. It appears that homanins use this sound to express anxiety and disgust because they wish to warn other homanins of their fate. Thus this sound is an instinctive survival technique, which was likely used before the Mesopotamian Era. So, when your pet doogie makes a doogie sound, you should consider that he/she/former he/former she is under a lot of stress, uncomfortable, or annoyed with you. To remedy this, we suggest walking the doogie, apologizing for whatever you may have done, and/or giving him/her/former him/former her a doogie treat.
If this trend of phonetics holds true for all aminals, then the world is full of unhappy and rankled aminals. All aminals, then, may be very discomforted by the presence of homanins, who treat them as inferior, stupid beasts. The aminals only expect us to feed and love them, and it is clear that these basic needs are sometimes not fulfilled. Some homanins even take joy in the thought of kicking poor little doogies. This is simply not acceptable. We, as homanins, need to treat other aminals with the utmost or respect, so that little homanins will not be so apt to be attacked by disgruntled aminals, who may be trying to get even.
Because the human language is more complex than most aminal sounds, it has more of a chance to change and evolve. This creates a large variety of subcultures and accents. Ebonix is an example of a set of complex variations of speech, which have been developed in homanin society. There is another group of homanins that are referred to as "valley people", because the ancient race of apes they came from lived in the Mesopotamian Valley. It is theorized that some parts of their brains (specifically the medulla oblongata) have still not fully evolved, which causes them to revert to their habitual language processes. Due to this cultural maladaptivity, they frequently use the statements "what-ever", and "as-if" as whole sentences.
Homanins also have the ability to express other feelings with simple sounds. Joy, for example. The typical sound of joy is a double phoneme that sounds like "hoo-rah". This sound is influence in many ways by the person attempting to pronounce it. The name for the sound of joy is "hooray", but the "y" was thrown into the pronunciation because of the misinterpretation of earlier diagnostics of speech patterns. If a person has a slight southern or "boonie" accent, the "rah" is replaced with a "yah". The basic guidelines for mouthyflaps still work in this case. Thusly fat, southern joy is expressed with a "boo-yah".
Keeping all these facts in consideration, one cannot help but marvel at the differences in speech that exists in two relatively similar individuals. Because everyone's genetic makeup is different, they act totally different in the same situation. While one man may say to his wife "this meal is excellent, honey", another man may say "you've ruined my life, bitch!".
