Pedophile in the Pews
2000-08-08 - 22:39:55
I would like to take today to take a step back and describe the events of last Sunday.
*takes a step back*
During the 'Prayers, Joys, and Concerns' portion of the service, Bob stands up. Because I believe that this man is not worthy of the glorious title of 'bob', I shall refer to him as 'Mr. P'. So this Mr. P stands up, and goes into a flowery speech about unity in the congregation, and 'the dogs', and basically says he's in trouble with the law, and wants some sort of help from the rest of the religies. It was a very interesting speech, to say the least, very Shakespearean in tone, and well memorized. But Mr. Penile discomforted, I mean Mr. P, seemingly forgot to whom he was talking to. Only half of the people in the congregation even heard what he had to say, and only half of the remainder could piece together what he was saying. And a good portion of the people that heard and understood his speech already knew what sort of trouble he was in. As I think I've said before, my step-mother is the minister at the church I attend, and she is actually used to dealing with this sort of thing. (Earlier in the service, she dealt with an unruly kid in the Children's Moment by taking his dinosaur away, and using it in the lesson, giving it back to him only after he promised to be quiet. And the parents just smile and nod, whisper 'isn't that cute' to each other, and wonder how she got him to shut up.) So my step-mother just smiles and nods, knowing the predicament of this man inside and out. Evidently, Mr. Pediatrician-wannabe, I mean Mr. P, had spent several months in jail for unlawful acts that will not be formally disclosed in this article. Everything was consensual, but farr from legal. So Mr. Pimpin' Joe, I mean Mr. P, goes to the congregation to get for help. As if the old ladies are going to picket outside the local courthouse, or behead the judge for him. What he wanted anyone to do for him is beyond me. Even if anyone could have done something, I'm fairly sure they wouldn't have. He got into this mess by himself, and got back out of it, and it was his fault that he did it again. And then Mr. Penis-uncontrollable, I mean Mr. P, leaves the church. As if his sentence was being dealt with in the town square at that instant. As it was, his trial wasn't until the next day, and he didn't even show up, because his lawyer forgot to tell him when it was. Here's a little tip for all those people out there who think that they can commit a crime and get a lawyer for free. Just because the state must provide you with a lawyer (if you can't pay for it) does not mean that they can't give you the worst lawyer for the job. And Mr. P's lawyer is a fine example of such a lawyer. This lawyer was arrested twice during Mr. 'Please Pass the Pickles', I mean Mr. P's, last trial, for traffic violations and OUI. So anyways, he leaves. And misses his trial the next day. Now here's the interesting part. Somehow Mr. 'Please Pass the Pickles', I mean Mr. P, gets the idea in his head that there's a warrant out for his arrest, because he missed the trial. So he does what any weirdo would do: he hides. He hides from everyone for two days, until finally turning himself in. To his amazement, Mr. Pokeshard, I mean Mr. P, is not arrested. They set a new date for the trial, and life goes on.
Sir#1: You know what really annoys me?
Sir#1: Yes. But I suppose you're going to tell me anyway.
Sir#1: That I am. Those little play-on-words things annoy me. Not puns, mind you. Those little thoughtful things, that one is only amused by if they have spent the last several hours baking themselves into the clouds.
Sir#1: Ah yes...like 'anger is only one letter away from danger'?
Sir#1: Exactly. That's a prime example.
Sir#1: And what about 'there are false truths just as there are true lies'?
Sir#1: *shudder* Another horrid example. They lack so much meaning! Why can't they be sensible, instead of mind-numbing?
Sir#1: Ahhh, well I suppose we could make our own...
Sir#1:That we could...
Sir#1: 'a god is a backwards dog'.
Sir#1: ooo, you amaze me, Sir.
