Sunday Comix (Journal Entry the Fivth)
2000-08-08 - Written 2000-2-27
Thoughts:
What you don't know can't hurt you. They say that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Bullshit. A small child does not have the experience of touching a flame, and yet, even after the flame has been drawn back, he is crying over a scarred thumb. They say love is like an ocean, and that there are many fish in the sea. But I know I'll never find another person like her. She was the One, by which the sheer thought of anyone else, ever, vanished from my mind. Now I am living off a second-hand soul, in a world that has crumbled to ashes. If I had never know her, I would have never known this flame that burns in my heart, making me cry over scarred memories.
Sunset to Sunrise
I do not know Death. I go to school , play kick-ball, have fun�
I do not fear Death. I go to school each day without the slightest notion of Death, true Death, on my conscience. Even while my grandfather lies at the door, I will not fear Death. I am immortal. Death would bow to me, and I would fan it away, into the corners...
Death is a blackened flower, death is a clear gray sky. Like the girl that I have lost, in which I lost myself. Death does not come, with all my wishing that it would. Of Death I do not fear, I bid it to take me, on the wings of bats and the screech of a halting train, but it does not come...
I realized Death today, I realized it is coming. I realize that I have not done all I hoped I wished on this lovely planet, this wonderful life. I do not want to regret all the more later for not having started to accomplish those goals now. I have worked at a desk all my short life, and for what? The endless toil has brought me little happiness. It is time I set out to do something and actually did it. Rock climbing, I always did have a special interest in that. I have a wife, and two lovely children. I wish I could instill in them the desire I have to go back to the day when was their age, and to have done something more with my life...
Now I fear that I fear Death. I fear that I have finally reached a successful life, only so that it can be taken away from me. I have an incredible wife and two lovely daughters, with one more on the way. My job isn't the challenging well-paid occupation that I dreamed of as a child, but I have learned to appreciate it. Everything seems perfect now, but I know it will change eventually, and all that I've fought for and stove to be will be lost. God, if you're out there; I don't want to die. Please save me from death and misfortune, please save the ones I love...
Death approaches, and I find myself not wishing to escape its icy grasp. Into every life a little death must fall, and my life was fulfilled in its purpose. I have loved beyond comprehension. In the thought of the loved ones I have lost, and the moon on a clear lake, I still see it. I have made an impact on the world, if only by being a generally nice guy, and for being a good friend. I have saved several people from fates much worse than my own. I feel small but somehow significant, at the end of my long journey. It's an in-utero bliss, something like I've never felt before...I feel I could just lie here and fade away, for no other reason than "because"...
