byebye wisdom
2000-07-19 - 00:55:17
BBBEEEEEEEEEPPP!
Sorri, Jason isn't in right now, he had an appointment with the orthodontist. He spent an ungodly amount of time brushing his cute little wisdom teeth this morning, and is no doubt getting those bones yoinked from his skull today. He swore muchly about parents not telling him that they were going to be yoinking teeth. He also has left an extensive entry today, in case he is still under narcotics tomorrow. Thank you, don't forget to leave a message after the beep...and now for Jerry Springer!
Jerry: today we are going to discuss women who- BBEEEEPP!
This is the time, today is the day. The day to be a hobo. Yes, that's what I said. I have found a set of tricks that you can pull, so that you never have to own a house, and can still retain some amount of classiness.
- Get a loan from the bank.
- With the loan, buy a house, and rent it out for $100 more than you are paying each month in loans from the bank.
- With the extra $100, buy gum, a marker, a razor, a comb, a fold-up table, and a membership to a local gym.
- Goto the Gym every morning, and work out and shower there, to stay in shape and clean.
- Goto Staples and walk out with a few sheets of printer paper they keep in their 'display' computer printers.
- Use the comb and razor to stay clean and shaven at restaurant restrooms.
- Goto a local outdoor market.
- Once there, set up the fold-up table, and make a sign (using the marker and paper, stick it to the table with a bit of gum) that says 'FREE MASSAGES'. While people are complimenting you on the massage, filtch their wallets.
- Goto a mall, and pose as a suit-jacket-hanger. Hang up the jackets respectably, but walk off with one at the end of the day.
- With the jacket, go downtown and pose as a valet. You get the idea.
- Use an ATM card from the filtched wallets on those ATM payment doohickeys at gas stations (they usually don't ask for a PIN) to get free gas.
- Drive around and visit different stores that sell cigarettes, and offer to buy teenagers Djarums and vodka for twice what your paying.
- With the money from the minors, get a safety deposit box, and collect a welfare check from the government.
- Use the money from the welfare to buy food at McDonald's. Buy 'hamburgers with cheese' on Wednesday, and cheeseburgers on Sunday. Also get one large soda.
- Use the same McDonald's cup over and over, insisting that you are getting your free refill.
- In a mall, use the 'display' microwaves and the 'display' extension chords to nuke your cheeseburgers.
- When all that is done, sit on the street at the end of the day, begging people for money.
- When you accumulate enough spare money, goto newspaper stands and read the 'stocks' sections, without buying the paper.
- Invest the spare money in stocks.
- After the sun sets, goto any local church, and tell than that you are driving to Connecticut, and need a place to stay for the night. They'll probably even feed you the next morning.
-Repeat.
Here are some weird little inventions:
1) Salt-Wipes
Description: These little 'salt pads' release salt directly onto the skin when applied. They cover the skin in salt, effectively making you a human pretzel. After applying, it will be harder for other organisms to eat and/or digest you, because you will dehydrate them to the point of internal bleeding, at which point they will die.
Practical Use: None. Might be used as a deadly weapon if you could get your enemy to eat one.
Advertisement: "I use Salt-Wipes every day, and they really built up my upper deltoids, erg! And last Tuesday, my cable provider tried to eat me, but he died of dehydration!"
Warning: Do not mix with water. To not drink water while using this product. Do not approach water-based organisms or substances while using this product. Unless you buy more of this product, we cannot guarantee your satisfaction.
Side Effects: dry flaky itchy dead skin, choking, coughing, wheezing, spitting, pretzel-like attitude (desire to be bought and eaten at a fair), the growth of multiple left feet, redness of eyes, and cottonmouth.
2) Mood-Cars
Description: An extra layer to the body of the car that changes colour according to the temperature. Small heated pipes between the surface and original body of the car change the temperature of the exterior, and thus the colour of the car. Polka-dot patterns and stripes also available.
Practical Use: None. It might look pretty, on rainy days.
Advertisement: No people, no talking. Just different cars changing colour, getting 'road-rage', and beating the crapp outta each other. Lotsa explosions.
Warning: Added weight of exterior shell may halve your gas milage.
Side Effects: You would look very fairy-ish if your car accidentally becomes a florecent pink. We are not responsible for any public beatings of people with pink cars.
3) Velcro Suits
Description: Full-body Velcro suits, for use in fuzzy padded rooms.
Practical Use: Not much. Useful if you are very bored and feel like being stuck to a wall for hours on end.
Advertisement: "Hours of funn for the whole insane asylum, as you and your mental patients try to pry yourselves off the fuzzy walls!"
Warning: May cause brain hemorrhages, stroke, cancer, contract STDs; some patients experienced stomach pains and dizziness.
Side Effects: lack of good ol' O2 to the brain, if you get stuck upside-down.
4) Loud OS
Description: An operating system that abducts your speakers or headphones to tell you what folders or programs you are running, and is entirely voice operated.
Practical Use: Some, amazingly. For use with blind persons, and their dogs, who find it hard to use Windows and other GUIs.
Advertisement: *in sign language* (hehe) "...Having trouble seeing those folders in windows? Now there's help!"
Side Effects: Becoming very annoyed every time it tells you that it's opening a folder.
5) Monkeyfeet
Description: extensions that adhesify to your toes, so that you can pick things up.
Practical Use: For elderly people that have nothing better to do.
Advertisement: "Tired of bending over to pick things up? Get Monkeyfeet! Bored of brushing your teeth with your hands? Get Monkeyfeet! Wanna give people the middle toe? Get Monkeyfeet!"
Warning: Do not walk down stairs while using Monkeyfeet. Do not attempt to hang from heights with only your toes.
Side Effects: Excessive tripping.
