drug of choice
2000-07-09 - 10:56:49
For years, the human race quested for the Holy Drug. The drug that had more of an effect than vallium, got you mellower than shrooms, and higher than the fabled Purple Heroine. We found The Answer in Cuba. More than a decade ago, a dirt-poor cuban took a puff of some shwaggy cocaine, and died instantly. Later, the cuban police force (which consists of one american scientist and three low-level-crime-lords) found the powder, and smoked it as well. There is no longer a police force in Cuba. Even the dog died. The drug became known as 'crack', and it revolutionized the drug industry. It may have revolutionized our definition of 'death'. I am not telling you this to scare you. I am not telling this to you because I like to teach history. Hell, what I've just told you is probably not true at all. The point is, today is another one of those days. I may have found the ultimate drug...boneless spare ribs. I got some from the supermarket today, I couldn't resist. It just looked so tempting and sweet underneath its skin-tight cellophane wrap. The ribs, they called to me, "Jason, eat us...oh, please...we're all...juicy...and raw...my it's hot in this freezer section...you think we could go over to your place and..." Well, something came over me. I grabbed the package and ran through the store, right up to the cash register, looking like I had just had sex in the "employees only" room, and like I was desperate to find a WC, all at once. I really need to get a hold of those surveillance tapes. Anyway, I got the ribs home, and ripped off the plastic in a way that can only be described as sensual. I kept opening the stove door to see if they were ready, but it took forever to cook. Occasionally I took them out and had a lick or two of the half-raw flesh, as a temptation to swallow rose in my throat. When it was finally cooked, I just put it in front of me and drooled on it. Eventually I rose it to my lips, in a steady, graceful motion. The result was as a lawnmower in a tornado, tearing into a chunk of live veal. I guess I went a little nuts. Before I continue, I should say that I had been a little deprived of Chinese food. My parents refused to bring me to anything which resembled a Chinese restaurant, since a little 'incident' that occurred a couple years ago. When I say 'incident', I don't mean your garden variety mugging, or a booby-trap that you set for a Jahova's Witness Protection Program, because you shot the last person that approached your door in a suit. No. What I mean by 'incident' is this: I was eating boneless spare ribs (and not overdosing, mind you), and I...got hungry. Hungry for human flash. I became a raptor from the late Jurassic, with inch-and-a-half talons, and legs made for jumping. I am told I pounced on things. I am told I pounced on the other patrons, with high-pitched screams. I am told it was chaos. But maybe thet's just what they says. Anyway, back to my present state. I recently came down from my high, and it seems the house has been abandoned for some time now. My cat is missing. I remember bouncing off the walls, and making some weird noises. I still have that feelling, that only eating too many spare ribs can give you. It feels like...the opposite of a York peppermint patty. Instead of a light, freezing breeze on my toes, I had a steaming blast of air on my forehead. I still haven't stopped twitching. I have begun to think that either the meat was laced with the ultimate crack, or it had a bad case of salmonella, or the MSG has a very odd effect on me. Maybe my swiss cheese is turning into brain due to CJD. Whatever it was, I want some more.
