Mi Vida Loca (Father)
2000-06-28 - 08:59:10
So my father came into my room, and asked me "How'd you make out?" Hence I proceeded to *flop* on my bed, kising my pillow passionately: "oh, I...*kisskiss*...just want... *kisskiss*...to... *kisskiss*...fuck your... *kisskiss*...ears... *kisskiss*...and suck on... *kisskiss*...your... *kisskiss*...little toe... *kiss-...then I paused, and said, "oh, you were asking if I got the job...I see..."
I feel every day like I'm becoming more like my old self; I like that. And as a further step, I shall openly refuse to go to church tomorrow. Tomorrow is Wednesday, so it shouldn't be all that hard. More than likely, I'll spend tomorrow thinking up "interesting" things to ask in church; they don't even pay attention when I raise my hand anymore, so I've taken to speaking up a bit. Maybe I'll dye one of my arms green again. It'll be a nice service.
Later:
I think it would be easier for me to commit suicide than it is for most people. I mean, death isn't really a bad thing. And nothing seems to be happening. Eventually I'll run out of things to do, in this padded prison. I can't entertain myself forever. And I have this growing hate for everyone who is around me. My father refuses to let me have a visitor. One of my best friends, who is going through a hard time in her life. He refuses, because he refuses to help people who are in need of help. He believes that if she is having a problem, she should deal with it, rather than escape it for a while. And if she's having a problem she can't deal with, he believes there are institutions she can go to. Foster homes, halfway houses, mental wards. He thinks that friends are not people to "lean on". I think the opposite. I think that a friend is a person you trust and confide in, a person who gives you a hug on a bad day, a person who has a shoulder for your head to rest on. Anyway, I should get these batteries out of my mouth, it's not a very comfortable way to go, and I was gonna use these in my tape recorder. Somehow this reminds me of that night I got vinegar in my lungs. And that night when I blackened my palms for the first time. And that day with the electric drill in combination with my father's bald spot...all balled up into a couple hours. Too bad I don't take over-the-counters. I could really use some codeine right now, or some Valium...maybe some aspirin and vodka.
