first diary entry
2000-06-20 - 17:58:48
No Longer
I read my history today, my history with Jess. It seems like I've known her for my entire life, when it's only been a couple years. But then, I only feel a couple years old. Anyway, I was surprised with the way I used to be. I am no longer an absolute psycho. I am no longer the person who crawled into Mitch's kitchen in his sleeping bag, so I could have his doughnut, and eat it too. I am no longer the person that spent 5 hours playing quake, and the next hour impersonating dead bodies. I do not think as off-the-wall as I used too, I'm too structured, too adapted to how I think I "ought to" think. I used to be a person who had three separate conversations with two people at once, now I'm lucky if a person doesn't end the conversation with "fuck you, jason." I used to make up languages, and accents, and whole people, and dream in sound and smell. I no longer dream. I ceased crying a long, long time ago. I stopped poking myself with sharp objects, juggling butcher knives, and lighting my palms on fire. I can no longer sit in a dark corner of my room and just go...go crazy, and turn into a vegetable, or a palm-sized dragon, or a lush with a Styrofoam cup, on a forgotten street corner. People care too much about me now. They don't seem to leave me alone. I can't seem to be without people. I have become a social person, uggg. Now, when I mess with someone's head, I don't just spew off random things, until they go nuts. I'm too methodic. Too cute. Too�me. I'm more like a wannabe British sex symbol than a guy in a straightjacket. And that annoys me. Somehow, I seem to have matured. There is too much reason, too much logical thought, in my brain. I want it all to go away, I want the dice to come back in it's place, if they're not already extinct. They don't have refugees for dice anymore. *smile* "...of course, after using his powers, he would have to go to the refufe! The world is run by dislexic computers! (and it's) stuck like a cabbage in a cabbage trap�" Sarah knows what I mean. Sarah is the only real person that understands me, the only one who knows how I really feel. I say the only, because I rarely know myself�I know that I have changed. Maybe I look better now, maybe I'm more muscular. But if that's the only reason why people care more, which is the only reason why I have changed, then I have surrounded myself in a realm of shallow people (too much logic). I haven't shaved in days. I don't want to get a job, don't want to grow up. *gasp*
